Therapy
by Cleavage Queen
Summary: The continuing adventures of House's counseling sessions at Mayfield. COMPLETE! WooHOO!
1. Therapy: Starting at Squre One

**Title:** Therapy(Session 1)**  
Rating:** K+ (rated E for everyone!)**  
Summary:** House's counseling sessions at Mayfield**  
Words:** 'bout 1,000**  
Disclaimer:** Mine Mine Mine. Or not. Okay, I just asked House to come out and play with therapist is mine though.**  
Beta:** Semi-beta'd by Belladionne - thanks! All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Includes events through Season 5 Finale. I have no idea of what will happen in Season 6 as I try to stay unspoiled.**  
Feedback:** Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing.**  
Author's notes:** Even though I hate being sucked into incomplete stories, I only have the first 2 sessions written and don't really know how many there will be. Let me know what you think and please be patient with me!

**Music:** _Love Lockdown_ - Kanye West

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**Therapy: Starting at Square One**

_Gregory House?_

…

_Come on in Gregory._

…

_Would you like to transfer out of the wheelchair and into a regular chair or stay in the wheelchair?_

…

_OK, for now, why don't you stay in your wheelchair? If you decide you want to switch out, we can do that.  
_

I want my cane back.

_OK. Good. We have a goal now. Let's make sure you are a bit steadier on your feet and your meds and then I'll talk to the Physical Therapist about getting your cane back and out of that chair._

…

_So, Gregory. Or do you prefer Greg? _

…

_Greg, you do know how this works, right? I ask some questions, you answer; I ask some more questions, we try to see what's really bugging you and work to make it so your life is better, so you can learn better ways to manage your pain, both the physical and the psychological pain._

…

You know this is mandatory, right? Without my okay, you are not going to leave Mayfield. I need to see that you are working on managing your pain, your feelings, and your addictions.

…

_Greg – this works only if you actually talk with me. Staring off into the corner and ignoring me is NOT going to make this all just go away._

It's DOCTOR House. And I'm not an idiot.

I_'m sorry – I didn't mean to imply that you were. I know you are a doctor, an esteemed and talented diagnostician, if I understand correctly. But we're not doing a DDX. We're just talking. What do your friends call you? If you don't want me to call you Greg, tell me what you would like me to call you and I will._

(Silence while they stare at each other.) … House. I've been called House for most my life. Only my mother calls me Greg… Stacey called me Greg too. Crandall called me G-Man in college; drove me nuts.

_Good – ok, so House. How are you feeling right now?_

(Pause as House looks away.) I was in pain when I woke up.

_Sure, it was almost time for your pain meds, you knew that when you woke up and knew you were going to be in pain. But how are you feeling right now?_

I'm going to be in pain later today. I'm always in pain. This isn't doing anything to help.

_So you know the pain will be back later today. But Right NOW, right this very moment, does your leg hurt?_

(Pauses to think about it; to assess the situation, and is surprised by his own answer.)

No. Right this very second actually, it doesn't hurt, at least, not too noticeably. Huh. I'm so used to just always being in pain.

_Great. So let's keep in mind that right this very moment you are not in pain. Pain is not the ruler of your world, so let's put the pain behind us for a few minutes. Tell me about yourself, but not about the pain. How would someone else describe you?_

Wilson once said that I don't like myself, but that I do admire myself. He's right, in way. I'm a top-notch diagnostician and people HAVE to listen to me. I MAKE them listen to me. Most people will tell you I'm an ass. I don't deny that either.

…

But I'm also a miserable bastard. I know that. I get stuck on a puzzle and I want to, HAVE to, solve it. Doesn't matter who gets caught in the rubble.

…

'Too brilliant for social niceties'…that's how one of my fellows introduced me to a patient once.

I would say I'm blunt. Social niceties are useless.

…

Wilson also said that I spread misery, that it's the only thing I understand. That I have to be miserable.

…

Cuddy will tell you that I destroy everyone around me.

…

Foreman says I'm addicted to conflict.

…

_Is there anything you like about yourself?_

I just said – I'm blunt, I'm a bastard, I'm an ass. What's not to love?

(Silence.)

I am…as God made me, as Wilson once told me.

_How is the pain right now? Tolerable? _

It's not too bad. I'll live for another few minutes without the pills.

_Good – do you realize your next dose was supposed to be 2 hours ago? I'll talk to your doctor – make sure you get your pills, but perhaps we can spread the timing of them out a bit more. I know the physical pain is always with you, but maybe we can find a way to help you not feel so dependant on them to dull your psychological pain._

(Contemplates, and then nods abruptly.)

_I think this has been a good start for us House._

_I'd like you to start keeping a journal. Just keep track of your pain, what you're feeling, really, anything you want to include in it. Don't worry – I'm not asking you to write anything for me to read. This is for you, although, I hope that you would like to share your journal with me eventually._

Gee, do I get to draw unicorns and hearts and rainbows all over it too?

_(Grinning) Think of it as a personal portable whiteboard. Use it as a way to sort out things, to organize your thoughts._

_Thank you for working hard today – we'll talk again in another day or two, unless you want to talk sooner._


	2. Round Two: Rage Against the Machine

**Title: Therapy (Session 2)  
Rating: **K+ (rated E for everyone!)**  
Summary: **House's counseling sessions at Mayfield**  
Words: **'bout 1,000**  
Disclaimer: **Mine Mine Mine. Or not. Okay, I just asked House to come out and play with me. The therapist is mine though.**  
Beta: **Semi-beta'd by Belladionne - thanks! All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers: **Includes events through Season 5 Finale. I have no idea of what will happen in Season 6 as I try to stay unspoiled.**  
Feedback: **Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing.

**Music:** _On My Own_ - Irene Cara

* * *

**Therapy: Round Two / Rage Against the Machine**

_House, good to see you back._

I had a choice?

_I guess you have a point there. How are you feeling today?_

They won't give me my cane back. You said I could have my cane back. And I want my Vicodin.

_I said I would talk with your physical therapist about getting it back and I did. She says you are not trying very hard to do your exercises. We have to get those muscles built up again before you can get out of that wheelchair and back onto your feet._

She's a terrorist in disguise, defeating Americans one at a time with torture. She spends the hour spinning her Wheel of Torture to figure out what exercise to subject me to next. There's NO muscle there to rebuild. Infarction, muscle death, hospital fucked up and took away the dead parts, any of that sound familiar??

_Amanda is not that bad. She just knows you need a strong hand; that you are too strong-willed for your own good. Yes, I know that part of the muscle is missing. You need to build up what remains. You've been favoring it by depending on the cane too much and that has caused the muscles to atrophy and that contributes to the pain. But you know that don't you, DOCTOR House?_

But I _want_ my cane back.

_Let's talk about that. Why do you want the cane? Does it make you someone different?_ _Someone "special"?_

…

_Hmmm, don't like that idea, do you? I know your_ _secret – you_ want _to be different, you_ want _people to dismiss you as some angry cripple. It gives you a reason to be angry at everyone, at everything, to be unreasonable. It keeps people away from you._

I've had it for 10 years…It's part of me. Who am I without it?

_Greg, you are who you are. You don't need to have an excuse for being angry. You have a right to be angry. You're allowed to be angry, hurt, upset, confused. _

_You've had a difficult life. You moved around a lot, never had a chance to really make friends, form relationships. You were so much brighter than the kids your age and didn't understand why they couldn't keep up with your train of thought and couldn't make the leaps you thought were obvious. _

_You thought you and Stacey were going to be together forever and then couldn't understand why she left after the infarction. And now - Amber's death because of your actions. Wilson leaving you, your friendship destroyed. Your father's death; Kutner's suicide. The amount of Vicodin and other drugs you've been dumping into your body for a decade. Are you really surprised that your mind is rebelling?_

Why does everyone think they need to PROTECT me? Save me from myself? I'm an ass. I know it. I've always been an ass. I know I strike out in anger, in frustration, I'm tired of everyone thinking I can't handle things. Don't I have a right to live my life the way I want to? Whose business is it if I want to self-destruct?

I'm not some child. I know the cost of the things I do. I know the toll people around me pay for my choices. Why do you think I want people to stay away from me?

You're right, I want my cane back because it keeps people _away_. I'll give you that one. When I'm in this stupid wheelchair, people are "nice" to me; they're "considerate," and go out of their way to accommodate me. I don't want that. I just want to be left alone. When I have my cane, people don't know how to react, but they don't fall all over themselves for the "cripple." They leave me alone.

_"They" leave you alone? Is that why you're having hallucinations of your best friend's dead girlfriend? And of your dead employee? Are they still hanging around? You're not just seeing them or thinking about them – you're having conversations with them._

They…Sometimes…I mean… Ah, hell. I know they're not real; I know they're hallucinations, and no, I haven't seen them in a few days, but… No. They haven't been around. But I think they might appear again. I thought Amber was gone before, but then she came back and brought Kutner… Who is she going to bring with her the next time she comes back? What if they never go away?

_They'll go away permanently one day. When you don't need them anymore. House… Greg… let them help you figure everything out. It will be okay. We'll find the way. _

…

_I will talk to the therapist about your cane again but you should know, your doctor thinks staying in the wheelchair, at least part of the time, will help reduce some of your pain. He's been reducing the amount of medication you get because you haven't needed as much. You know that part of the pain comes from the strain you put on your leg by standing and walking and that by using the chair, you can decrease some of that pain. Ultimately, the decision is up to you – take actions and make choices that help you manage and live with the pain, both the physical and psychological, or keep numbing yourself to everything with drugs, alcohol and denial._

You say that like denial is a bad thing.

_Funny. _

…

_Have you been writing in your journal? As I said, you don't need to share it with me, but I do want you to at least make the effort. And make an effort with Amanda. She knows what she's doing and it will help in the long run. This isn't a sprint Greg; it's a marathon. And you_ can _win the race, if you want to. _

…

_Shall we meet again in another day or two? But this time, I want _you_ to decide when to meet – don't make me send out the flying monkeys to find you this time. _

_Thank you for coming in, spend some time outside today – it's a beautiful day out._


	3. 3rd Time’s A Charm Control

**Title: **Therapy: 3rd Time's A Charm / Control**  
Rating: **K+ (rated E for everyone!)**  
Summary: **NEW CHAPTER!House's counseling sessions at Mayfield**  
Words: **'bout 2,000**  
Disclaimer: **Mine Mine Mine. Or not. Okay, I just asked House to come out and play with me…The therapist is mine though.**  
Beta: **Semi-beta'd by Belladionne - thanks! All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers: **Includes events through Season 5 Finale. I have no idea of what will happen in Season 6 as I try to stay unspoiled.**  
Feedback: **Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing._  
Ah shucks, you make me blush…_**  
Author's notes: **Typing my little fingers off trying to pour all of this into my computer…Why do I get the best story ideas while driving to work when I can't write good stuff until 10 hours later??? Let me know what you think and please be patient with me!

**Music: **Sonata Pathétique - Beethoven

**

* * *

  
Therapy: 3****rd**** Time's A Charm / Control**

_I see the cane is back._

Yeah, Al-Qaida and I have come to an agreement. I can have my cane during the day AFTER I go to PT in the morning and I get it until I go for my evening PT. I also had to swear I wouldn't use it as a weapon of mass destruction, or even minimal destruction. If I don't come for my evening PT and surrender my cane, the Evil Child is going to steal it back while I sleep, leaving me with only a wheelchair for the rest of my time here.

_Interesting solution. Who proposed it?_

She caught me gimping around outside out of the chair and read me the riot act about undoing what little progress I had been making. "We" agreed that I could use my cane for a bit and see what happened. I had to agree to use it on the "correct" side and use my left arm.

_And yet, I see it in your right hand_.

(Grins)

If I use it on the left side, the terrorists win.

_So House, are you settling in a bit more here? Sleeping better? Eating regular meals?_

They have me on this ridged schedule. I hate it. I can't sleep, they won't give me a guitar, and they won't let me play the piano. I hate this place.

I have to eat when they say to eat, and eat what they say I have to eat.

_To be fair House, you know you can't just eat peanut butter sandwiches, soup, pizza, scotch, and beer. From your records, I can see that you've always been rail thin and the pills and stress and detox have not helped that. You are still underweight and you know that you need to eat better. Once you get used to the schedule, you will be able to rely on it when you get back to Princeton-Plainsboro. And yes, you will be back to your old job as soon as you learn to manage your pain, stress and emotions in a healthy manner._

Think we can get patients to die on a prescribed schedule?  
My job doesn't work that way. I work long hours when I need to and avoid working as much as Cuddy lets me.

_So we'll work together to make sure you have a plan so that you can stick to a schedule as much as possible, even when you have a tricky case that requires you to stay at work for days at a time. Let's talk about your schedule here and what you see as useful and how we can make it work better for you here and better for you when you leave here. Let's see how you can take control instead of giving the staff all the power._

They wake me at 8 a.m. Eight! In the MORNING! It's inhuman. Ablutions, shower, dress, etc., etc., etc. Breakfast at nine. They make me eat oatmeal and fruit, or eggs and toast, juice even. No coffee. Not even that decaf crap. The Torture Chamber at 10 for an hour – at least I get my cane after that. Arts and crafts after that; sometimes they take us to the "Music Room" and we get to play out-of-tune instruments. And we're supposed to "socialize" and "interact" with the other residents. I feel like I'm at day camp for idiot adults.

_Okay. Let's stop there for a moment. I hear some things you like and some things you clearly don't like. What do you think we can work on – is there some way mornings can be better for you?_

Yeah. Let me sleep until at least nine, even nine thirty. Eight is just too early. I'd do better at PT if I could sleep a little longer. My circadian rhythm just isn't the same as everyone else. And I can't eat a big breakfast. I never have. A bagel or toast and jam and a cup of coffee is all I ever really want. I don't even care if it's cold. Can't they just leave me a box breakfast? Give it to me when I go to bed?

_That's a good idea. I can talk to the kitchen staff about having a bagel and cream cheese for you to pick up before PT. Your doctor doesn't want you to have coffee yet, even decaf, but I'm sure we can substitute milk for you if you prefer that to juice. Does that sound like a plan to you?_

Yeah. I guess. And the other stuff?

_Well, you do have to do your PT and the arts and crafts, the socializing and interacting. Those are all non-negotiable. But I will make sure they get the instruments tuned and allow you some more time there. How are your afternoons?_

Lunch at 12:30. Sandwiches usually. More fruit, veggies…I feel like I'm Wilson is living with me again. At least I can get a Rueben most days for lunch. Then back to nursery school and naptime for an hour. But it's ridiculous – I manage to fall asleep and then they come around and roust me, even if I'm still tired. Then you. If I can manage to avoid you, I go to the pool for a swim or time outside walking the pathways. No one else ever goes to the pool and most of the fools in here are too afraid to go outside. Sometimes I can get control of the TV to watch my soap. I just feel so cooped up here. There's always someone watching me, someone with me. Four thirty means back to the Evil Child for more torture. And then I have to surrender my cane. At least I get a massage before dinner. That helps some.

_Hmm. I can understand why you feel like someone is always watching you. There is a certain amount of care and attention that we do have to maintain. Any ideas how to feel like you're not cooped up? To feel like yourself?_

(Agitated.) Feel this, feel that. I hate shrink talk. Tell them that if I'm asleep, they should let me sleep. Find me time to do stuff on my own. I don't LIKE other people. I like to be LEFT ALONE.

_Okay. We can find a solution to this. On days when you're really tired, we can change your time with me to after dinner. Why don't we agree that when you want to take a longer break in the afternoon, you talk with your Floor Assistant, Stephen right?, and have him reschedule with me. Then, if you don't sleep as long as you thought you might, you can go for a walk or hit the pool or play the piano until PT. Do you think that would work for you?_

(Calmer.) Yeah. I guess so.

Evenings are pretty boring here. I suppose you want to dissect that too, huh? Ok.

When I'm done with the Evil Child, whatever goon is handy wheels me back for dinner at six thirty. Generic meat, carbs, vegetables. Haven't they heard of pizza, Chinese takeout? Really, a burger every now and then won't kill me! After dinner, there's not much to do. Group Therapy if you're desperate or really into that sort of abuse. Board games, but nobody here can match me at Chess or Scrabble; they won't let us play poker. TV, but no "L word," no porn, no computers. There aren't any interesting puzzles to put together. Even the books here are all dull. And they're all in English.. Can't they at least get a Spanish newspaper in, something in French even? They send us off to our rooms for bedtime between ten and ten thirty and expect lights out by eleven. I usually just lay there. I can't fall asleep that early. I can't pace because I can't have my cane, I don't have my GameBoy, or my TV or even my I-pod.

Nighttime is the worst. I can't calm my mind. I'm…I'm worri--...What if I roll over and Amber is there? I keep trying to figure out why Kutner threw his life away. Even I know that life with pain is better than no life with no pain. They come in the night…when they know I can't do anything about them. I can't hide from them…I doze on and off, but nothing works to shut my brain off. Then when I do manage to hit REM sleep, the Flaming Assistant comes knocking on my door telling me I have to get up.

_I can see where that's a problem._

_Food seems to be a constant battle for you. While you were working, you depended on Wilson to make sure you ate a real meal every now and then, didn't you? If left on your own, you'd just forget to eat. And now, you aren't really given any choice. You have to eat whatever they give you and if you don't eat enough of it, the doctor gets on your case. For the next week, why don't you keep track of what you are eating in your journal? Then you can take it to your doctor and talk about what you like and don't like and how much you eat or don't eat and see whether he will adjust your dietary plan._

(Grudgingly, House nods.) Yeah. Whatever.

_You know, if you'd allow your friends, let Wilson and Cuddy and Chase and the others, come to visit you, they'd be able to bring in the "junk food" and take-out meals that you want._

You're trying to bribe me to allow them to come out here.

_(Grins.) Caught me! But I'd prefer it if you thought of it as a reward, not a bribe._

_They do try to keep evenings quiet to help people wind down and get to sleep. But I can see that you aren't getting the mental challenges and stimulation that you crave. Physically, you're getting a pretty good work out with PT twice a day and having a chance to swim or walk in the afternoon helps too. Emotionally, I think I give you a run for your money when I get you in here. But mental challenges… you're right, I don't think you get enough puzzles to figure out._

_Stephen does have a computer in his suite. Make friends with him and see if he'll let you play games on-line in the evening. It's fine with me if you want to play games, but take it easy on the porn. Stephen may not like the same stuff you do._

_I know that some of the other residents don't have your brainpower, but there is mathematician from Princeton here and another from Harvard. It's okay for you to be smart here Greg. People won't mock you; they won't avoid you._

Great - John Nash, Ed Lorenz, and Greg House all together in the same room. We could rule the world! Proof that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

_Greg, you need to remember that this is a safe place for you to explore your life. We're here to help you. _

_You've worked really hard today Greg and you've given me a number of things to get done for you by the next time we meet. I'll need a few days to get things set with the kitchen staff to work out having a simpler breakfast for you to pick up in the morning. It would be nice to have breakfast out on the patio, wouldn't it? And I'll let Stephen know that you may reschedule your rest time and time with me as you see fit, with the caveat that if you don't make the effort to meet with me at least every couple of days, I WILL send out my henchmen to kidnap you and bring you in. _

_Let's see, what else? Right, I'll talk to your doctor about dinners and you'll think about inviting someone out and talk them into bringing you some take-out, maybe a few books and magazines that you'll like better. You'll also see if you can figure out who our mathematicians are and see if you're up to Chess with them. _

_And speaking of dinner, we've gone over our time and you're going to be late for dinner. I'll have the Cylon guarding the door take you straight to the dining hall. Have a good evening and I'll see you in a day or two._


	4. 4 Horsemen: Power

**Title: **Therapy: 4 Horsemen / Power**  
Rating: **K+**  
Summary: **_NEW SESSION!_ House's counseling sessions at Mayfield**  
Words: **'bout 1,450**  
Disclaimer: **Mine Mine Mine. Or not. Okay, I just asked House to come out and play with me…The therapist is mine though.**  
Beta: **Semi-beta'd by Belladionne - thanks! All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings: **_This may seem OOC,__but ya gotta break some eggs…_**  
Spoilers: **Includes events through Season 5 Finale. I have no idea of what will happen in Season 6 as I try to stay unspoiled.**  
Feedback: **Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing._ Ah shucks, you make me blush…_**  
Author's notes: **_Okay, so we're making progress here. By this point, House has been at Mayfield for about a month, and has gone through a full detox from Vicodin and hasn't been allowed alcohol or caffeine; no hookers or poker either! The doctor has been trying to find a way to ease his pain without such addictive medicines._  
Let me know what you think and please be patient with me!

**Music: **Bad Reputation – Joan Jett

* * *

**Therapy: 4 Horsemen / Power**

_(Low voices outside the door.)  
_

_What happened?  
__I don't know. He had a pretty good day and wanted to sleep this afternoon, so I let him and then we played Adventure Ho on-line until 10:30. He didn't sleep much this afternoon though – I heard him pacing and then he went outside until dinner when I had to go find him on the grounds.__I don't think he's gotten much sleep this week. I've heard him pacing during afternoon rest period and he's tried to avoid going back to his room at lights out every night.__Everything had been quiet since lights out and then there was a lot of shouting and he was throwing things around his room. When I tried to go into his room to calm him down, he started throwing things at me; books and shoes at first, but then the chair came flying by my head and the rest of the things in his room started following. He damn near emptied the whole room of everything but couldn't figure out how to get the bed frame out by himself.__I called for security and you. By the time they got here, everything was in the hallway and he was sitting in the corner of his closet in the dark. He won't let me turn the lights on. I think he broke the light bulbs. I heard breaking glass but it wasn't loud enough to be the window.  
It was weird – he was whimpering, cowering…I haven't seen anyone get that bad that quick. _

_Thanks Stephen. Why don't you make sure everyone on the floor is okay and settled down. If anyone needs extra time in the morning, it's okay. Don't push them; this is going to rattle everyone for a while. Don't worry about the mess; I'll make sure everything is out of the hall before 8._

_(Knocks on the door and enters quietly.)_

_House?_

_Are you okay?_

_Have you hurt yourself?_

_Is it okay if I come in?_

…

_House?_

_I'm coming into your room. I don't want you to be alarmed. _

…

_House?_

_Are you in the closet? I'm going to sit down out here, I'm right outside the door of the closet. I'm just going to sit out here while you pull yourself together. Everything's okay; we're going to help you find a path back home. A way for you to feel better about yourself and whatever happened here tonight._

…

_Greg?_

_Do you want to talk about this?_

_Do you want me to come in there with you? Or should I stay out here?_

…

…

(Explodes.) This is YOUR fault! I wanted to see you and you weren't there. I actually CAME TO YOU without any pushing from anyone and you weren't there. It would have been okay if you had seen me!

_No, Greg. I told you I would not be available at all today. You chose not to come see me for three days. And each time, I reminded you that I would not be here today. When you called today, I gave you the choice to speak with my associate at any time. You chose not to use that option. You must take responsibility for your choices._

(Sullenly.) Just leave me alone.

_No Greg, you know that I won't do that. I can't allow you to hurt yourself or anyone else._

How can I hurt myself more? I'm an addict and no one will give me the drugs I want anymore. I'm missing part of my body and nobody believes the amount of pain I'm in.

It's 4 in the morning and I'm sitting in my underwear in the dark in the back of a closet behind three pairs of jeans, three button-down shirts and some shorts and tees, talking to a guy who's paid to patronize me. What makes you think there's anything wrong?

_(Grins.) Greg. It's not that bad. Really. I've seen worse. It will be okay. _

…

_  
Greg, would it be okay if I come into the closet and sit with you? _

Yeah. I guess. Just…Just…stay by the door. Don't come any closer than just inside.

_That's fine. Thanks for letting me in._

(Softly, muffled.) I messed everything up, didn't I? I always mess everything up.

_No, of course not. Most people who redecorate their rooms at 4 in the morning find that the best way to do it is the throw everything at an unsuspecting person in the hallway; nothing wrong with that. We will have to get it picked up before everyone gets up, again, in a few hours. But we have time._

(A snuffly chuckle from behind the clothes.)

_Ya wanna tell me what happened Greg? I know you're bored, but this is an extreme distraction, even for you._

I told you I couldn't go to sleep that early at night. I had nothing to do but just lay there and stare at the ceiling. There was nothing to protect me, to keep me distracted. All I could do was think…I didn't want to think. I wanted to sleep. But I couldn't stop thinking.

…They…They came back…They brought friends this time. First Amber and then Kutner. She was laughing at me, asking me if I still thought I was in charge. Kutner just looked sad and asked why I didn't know to stop him; why didn't I save him.

(Voice beginning to sound childish, lost, confused.)

Then my Dad showed up. He was pissed at me, as always…Told me I wasn't living up to his expectations. I was a failure. I didn't know how good I had it. I never got anything right.

Then Esther. She blamed me for not fighting harder for her 15 years ago. Clarence showed up to play too. I didn't even kill him. I FIXED him – the state killed him.

George brought in a four-course meal but wouldn't let me have any of it...

They just kept coming in. I had to get them out. I know they're not real. They're just delusions. Figments of my imagination. But I had to make them go away. Amber just sat on the end of the bed and kept laughing at me.

(Frightened, childish whining.)

I didn't mean to wake everyone up. I didn't mean to make a mess. They just wouldn't go away. I tried to make them leave. I threw my stuff at them to scare them off. But it didn't work. It just scared everyone else...

_It's okay Greg. It is._

…

_They made you feel pretty powerless didn't they? Did throwing everything make you feel like you had power over them? Some control over what was happening? You have the power to make them go away Greg. _

…

_Are they still here Greg? Are you safe now?_

…They're gone…For now…why do they keep coming back? How do I make them stay away?  
I don't want to be like this. This has GOT to stop.  
How do I know what's real and what's not?

_That's what we're going to work on. Okay? It won't be fast, and it certainly won't be easy, but we CAN make it better. _

You sure?

_Yeah. I am. We'll make it better. You'll be in charge again. _

_We will need to clean up the mess you made though. But it can wait a bit, if you just want to sit here for a while._

Yeah.

_Yeah._

…

…

"Gee Pinky, what do you want to do tonight?"

_"The same thing we do every night, Brain—try to take over the world."_

_It'll be okay Greg. We'll make it okay together._

* * *

  
Author's note 2:  
Yes, I know the Pinky & The Brain dialogue is backwards, but really, even at his lowest, House would never think of himself as Pinky. He's looking for comfort in the only way he knows how. Thank goodness the shrink knows the show!


	5. 5th of Scotch: Want & Ignorance

**Title: **5th of Scotch / Want and Ignorance**  
Rating: **K+ (rated E for everyone!)**  
Summary: **NEW CHAPTER!House's counseling sessions at Mayfield**  
Words: **'bout 2,200**  
Disclaimer: **Mine Mine Mine. Or not. Okay, I just asked House to come out and play with me…The therapist is mine though. And Amanda actually is my Physical Therapist (she's only partially Evil!).**  
Beta: **Semi-beta'd by Belladionne - thanks! All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers: **Includes events through Season 5 Finale. I have no idea of what will happen in Season 6 as I try to stay unspoiled.**  
Feedback: **Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing._  
Ah shucks, you make me blush…_**  
Author's notes: **Are you folks checking out the music?Music and titles are always important…Let me know what you think and please be patient with me!

**Music:** Half-Life – Duncan Sheik

* * *

_House – Glad you came today. You're in your wheelchair today; did you not go to PT and claim your prize for the day?_

(Subdued.) I went. Told Amanda I didn't care whether she gave it to me or not.  
Shouldn't have it.  
Don't deserve it.

_I find that surprising. You're usually pleased with getting as much as you can for as little effort as possible. Amanda's pretty fair about her deals. I think that if you admitted you wanted it, you were afraid someone would keep you from having it._

You can't always get what you want.

I_f you try, sometimes, you get what you need._

Don't try to make friends with me Doc. I only wind up hurting anyone who tries to be my friend.

_I think I can take care of myself._

_Did you sleep well? Stephen said once you fell asleep you slept for almost 24 hours straight through. He didn't want to wake you for breakfast since you had just fallen asleep but he says you ate a good lunch and even had some dinner._

Yeah. It felt good to sleep. I get too much on edge when I can't sleep. And then… things happen.

_I saw. What happened?_

I don't want to talk about it.

_That's really not an option today House._

No.

_House._

_I want to give you control of your life and what happens; give you the power to be the man you truly are, but there are some things that we WILL have to talk about and work on. This is one of them._

…

_If I think you are a threat to yourself, or to the others on your floor, I'll have to move you to a more secure facility. A place where there will always be someone with you, to help you through the times when you can't exorcize your delusions by yourself. Someone to help you distinguish reality from figments of your mind. Do you want that?_

No.

_What do you want?_

I want…

I want to be me again. I want to make sense to myself.

I want to be able to run again and not feel pain all the time.

I want my leg back; I want my **life** back.

I want…to go home.

_Okay. Some of those things are possible, some aren't. What about just a short trip home? A few days maybe? Your birthday is coming up in a few weeks, right?_

Yeah, how did you know?

_You mean, besides the fact that it's in your file?  
Your friend Wilson called me. He wanted to know if there was something he could do for your birthday, if he could at least come out for the day. He didn't want you to feel like you were alone. He's worried about you, about the fact that you haven't called him or written. Says you haven't even sent him any mocking emails. He said to tell you that without you around to save him from himself, he's afraid his panty collection is going to get bigger. Now, I'm not sure what that means, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know, but judging from the spark that just crossed your face, you understand it. He misses you._

_I think, if you work hard for the next 2 weeks, no more episodes like yesterday, we can see about getting you a weekend pass. Would you like that?_

I'm not sure anyone would want me to come back.

_You have good friends there, Greg. They support you more than you could imagine. And they miss you. I speak with Lisa every couple of days – nothing about what we say in here. That's confidential, you know that, and I will not tell anyone what we talk about in here._

Y_ou are safe to say or do anything, except physical harm to yourself or to me, while we are here. And before you ask, no, I have not mentioned yesterday to her and I won't._

_She just wants to make sure you are okay, that if you needed anything she would take care of it for you. She's concerned that you won't take her calls or allow anyone to visit you, but she understands that you may not be ready to face her after your delusion about the two of you._

I don't want her to know how bad I am. She won't forgive me for it. I've destroyed whatever the hell we had between us for the past 20 years. I was a fool to believe that she would have ever wanted a broken old man.

F_or a brilliant man, Greg, you constantly amaze me with your ignorance. Despite moving around so much as a child, you haven't found a way to accept the inevitable changes that happen in life. You're oblivious to how to handle emotions – your own or anyone else's._

_Just because Wilson develops a relationship with someone besides you doesn't mean he's going to abandon you. Just because Lisa has a child in her life doesn't mean that you are not part of it… You've known her for 20 years; worked with her for what, 10, 15 years? It's not like you'll never see her._

_There's a whole spectrum of emotions you've ignored. _

_You've got Anger, Annoyance, Boredom, Contempt, heck all the negative ones pretty well covered but your positive emotions are fairly lacking.  
The Ecstasy and Desire that you're used to come mainly from the drugs and alcohol and sexual gratification you seek, so I don't think they count yet. _

_  
But you're Curiosity has served you well your whole life. _

_Maybe you should try to take a few new ones out for a spin. _

_A few easy ones to start - a little Desire, maybe some Hope. We might even be able to achieve a little Happiness. If we're lucky, you might even find a bit of Gratitude along the way_.

Like maybe I'll _Desire _a trip home, I could _Hope_ to find some _Happiness_ on my birthday…Trying to bribe me again Doc?

_Maybe. What do you think, Greg? Think you would like to go back to Princeton for your birthday?_

It would make Wilson and Cuddy happy…and I suppose it would make me happy to not be here for a while. But... I mean, just a day ago the hallucinations were so bad I rock-starred my room. Do you really think they'll let me out so soon?

_This isn't a prison Greg. You can always check yourself out whenever you want. I think it would be best if you worked with me a bit more for the next couple of weeks and then we can see how you feel when you come back from Princeton._

You're not just trying to get my "hopes" up so I can "feel" one of your important emotions are you?

_I'm not trying to trick you Greg. I think it might be good for you to plan a trip home. As for the other night…Let's see if we can come up with a plan to keep it from getting that bad again, okay? What do you think you can do so you don't go from trying to sleep to destroying your room and calling me in at 4 a.m. to have a session while you hide in your closet? Not that I mind talking with you of course, just if I'm gonna see someone in their underwear at that hour, you are not my first choice._

What? Wilson gave me those boxers. Don't you like SpongeBob?

Yeah. Right. Plan of Action. Don't you have a whiteboard for this? You should get one. They're great –

_House! Stop deflecting. How are you going to keep from freaking out the next time your "friends" make an appearance?_

Right. Right. I guess I hadn't really been sleeping. The pain in my leg isn't diminishing like they thought it would once I stopped depending on the Vicodin. I couldn't get my brain to shut down for the night.

_So how do we help you sleep without drugs or alcohol or any of the other self-destructive behavior you used to use?_

Isn't that something you're supposed to tell me?

…

No, huh? It was worth a try.

All right. I need to challenge myself more. Leonard and Laurie and I can play some Chess after dinner and there was a note in my mailbox that they were going to subscribe to Diário de Pernambuco for me and get some JAMA issues in so I can catch up and keep up to date. I'm going to send Wilson an email and ask him to forward me his copy of Placebo Journal when he finishes it. I can keep that in my room for when I can't sleep so I can keep my mind occupied…

_Okay. That sounds like a good plan. What else?_

You want MORE?

Of course you do.

There has to be a library around here somewhere right? A public one? What if after my morning PT, I go down to the library and find books that are more interesting than the crap you guys have here? The Flaming Assistant can come along to babysit me…Somehow I feel like he's helped me before…

And if you guys would give me my cell phone back, I could call you or Wilson or whomever when being alone in my little cell is too much…in case "they" come back again.

_The library is a great idea. It's about a 1/4 mile away. Why don't you talk with Amanda and see if she thinks you can do that with your cane? If you can't, we'll arrange transport for you, since I assume you don't want to go out in public in the wheelchair. Stephen seems to have developed an affinity for you too. Says you feel like his personal charge, your manservant even._

_As for your cell phone – all you ever had to do is ask for it._

Oh, you are so tricky. All I had to do was ask for it? What if I asked for my Vicodin back? Or a beer or two? Just one bottle of Scotch?

…

Yeah, yeah. I didn't think so.

Can we just see if that stuff works for now?

_I think that's a good idea. I have another one though. We haven't discussed your taking antidepressants. I would like to prescribe Xanax for you for the times when you feel particularly anxious or concerned about things; you won't be able to carry it with you, but you'd have access to it when ever you needed it by going to the dispensary during the day or asking Stephen at night. I can also give you a 'script for Zoloft that Stephen can give you nightly at bedtime._

Can't you write a 'script for Scotch instead? I'd sleep okay with that.

_Tell you what; I'll write the orders and you can choose to take the pills or not. I'll even make sure that they give you an empty bottle so you can carry ONE Xanax during the day so you can play with it during the day. Just knowing you have it may help too._

Yeah. Okay.

Can I go now?

I want to see if the Evil Child will give me my cane and let me keep it until before lights out. I'll ask about the 1/4 mile too but I'm not sure I'm up to the walk yet so you should find a car for Stephen.

And…thanks for talking to the kitchen for me. One of the guys stays until I get there at 9:30 so I can choose what I want and let's my doctor know that I've eaten.

_I'm glad that works for you. I think you have just enough time to see Amanda and get a short walk around the grounds before dinner. I'll make sure your cell phone is at the front desk so you can pick it up after dinner. Have a good evening and if your hallucinations show up, call me before you start throwing furniture, okay?_


	6. 6th Sense: I See Dead People

**Therapy:** 6th Sense (I See Dead People)**  
Rating: **K+ (rated E for everyone!)**  
Summary: **NEW CHAPTER!House's counseling sessions at Mayfield**  
Words: **'bout 1,600**  
Disclaimer: **Mine Mine Mine. Or not. Okay, I just asked House to come out and play with me…**  
Beta: **Semi-beta'd by Belladionne – thanks! All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers: **Includes events through Season 5 Finale. I have no idea of what will happen in Season 6 as I try to stay unspoiled.**  
Feedback: **Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing._  
Ah shucks, you make me blush…_**  
Author's notes: **Oh frak_ FraK_ **_FRAK_**! I've been trying to keep my brain free from any spoilers and they showed a preview for the two-hour opener after tonight's episode. Grumble, grumble… Well, now my thoughts are tainted and I'm not sure how AU this is going to be. Drat.

**Music: **_Don't Let Me Get Me – _Pink_  
The Authority Song_ – John Mellencamp

* * *

_House! I hadn't expected you today. Glad you decided to come by._

I, um, I needed to talk.

_That's what I'm here for. What would you like to talk about today?_

I, um, I don't know. I just...I don't know.  
I never really talk with anyone. I keep to myself. I always have. But I think I need to do more than that if I…If I want to get better.

As a kid, I learned to keep my own counsel. My father didn't want to hear about my problems and Mom was too busy trying to keep him happy to spend enough time with me. Dad thought I was weak. That I was a problem. He never gave me time to figure out an answer. If he asked me a question, I had to have the answer he wanted when he wanted it. He didn't see things the way I did and wouldn't let me come up with my own decisions and answers. So I stopped answering him and I stopped asking him anything.

But, everyone seems to think talking helps so I guess I have no choice.

_I think-_

Stop.  
Don't talk.  
This is hard enough.  
Don't talk.

I was doing fine. Yes, I was in pain. Yes, I knew I was taking too much Vicodin. Yes, I gave up the chance of no pain when I passed on the Methadone. But I WAS TRYING. Why can't people acknowledge that? I don't want to be miserable and in pain, but I AM and no one seems to understand that. Everyone wants to think I can get over the pain – that's it's really not as bad as I think.

Wilson wanted me to be more social. Cuddy tried to get me to step up, to make a choice, to be a human being. I was trying because I knew it would make them happy and for some stupid reason that was important to me.

I was afraid Cuddy was going to give up her quixotic quest for a child so I made her angry. I treated her badly to get her to understand what she really wanted. And she didn't give up. She got her child. Doesn't matter that it means she'll never want ME now... I know I'm an addict and would be a terrible father figure. But I didn't want her to miss out on what she really wanted.

_House-_

I said DON'T TALK!  
If you want me to do this, don't TALK.

_…_

I tried to be a better friend to Wilson. We went to visit his brother. I had a chance to meet Daniel and messed it all up. I had tried not answering my phone, not replying to the texts Taub sent. I WANTED to be there for Wilson. To give him the support he's always freely given me. But I couldn't. When he was talking about how it was his fault Daniel ran off, it just made something click in my brain. What was I supposed to do? Let my patient die? I knew Wilson would be okay. He doesn't really need me…

I tell Kutner he's doing a good job. I encourage him. And the bastard kills himself. What the hell did I do that would drive him to that? Why did I not know that was going to happen?

And then dead people start haunting me. Literally.

I know that they are hallucinations because I know they are dead.

_House –_

I will leave right now.  
I will walk out of here and walk out the front door and not come back if you don't shut up right now.

_…_

The night I was with Cuddy… Or thought I had been with Cuddy. That was REAL. I KNOW it happened.

I felt her. I tasted her. I felt her against me. The smell of her was all over my bed and my body. The sound of her moaning with pleasure and delight filled my ears and made me hard.  
The power she held over me. It made me feel so good. Made me feel whole. Needed. WANTED.  
Hell, I remember having an orgasm that rocked the world.

How could that have just been in my mind? I mean, I'm good, but hell, that was more than I could have ever imagined.

How do I know what's real and what's not?

That this is really happening? Maybe everything is an illusion. Maybe I went into a coma after the infarction and all of this has been in my head.  
Maybe the Methadone fried my brain and I'm in here because I'm a walking vegetable.

How do I even know that you're real? Maybe you're a figment of my imagination and I'll wake up and find out my entire life has been nothing.

_…_

That one wasn't rhetorical. I really need an answer to that one.

_Wow!  
That's a lot on your mind Greg. _ _And we will deal with all of it, but in smaller pieces. _

_I'm really glad you were ready to share that with me. _

_Is all this anger why you've been so combative lately? Are you trying to determine what is real and what isn't? There are better ways to do that. And I think you know what is real and what isn't. You want to allow yourself to sink down as far as you can, then you won't be responsible for anything you do._

_When I spoke with Dr. Cuddy when you admitted yourself, she talked about how reckless you had become in the past year. That you used to derive pleasure from "The Game" but how this past year, ever since Amber died actually, she thought that you were off a bit. She chalked it up to the loss of your father and your proof that he wasn't your biological father. Then she was caught up in her own life with her foster daughter and acknowledges that she let you drift. She's feeling guilty that she didn't, if you pardon the phrase, ride you harder. She knew that always got you going. _

_Then when she did try to get you to open up after Kutner's death, you just shut her down. You closed up so tight she couldn't find a way to break through._ _  
She thought you had been seeking solace from Wilson and was so taken aback by your insulting her that she just had to step back and let things happen. _

_Now she regrets doing that._

_But I think this is more than just your reaction to circumstances. You've always pushed. Always wanted to see what made things tick, even if you had to destroy the object, or person, in the process. But things have been pushing back a lot harder now haven't they?_

Yeah.

_  
It's in your nature to be aggressive, to look for the one thing that will really irritate someone, especially if they are an authority figure. You've been brutally unkind when you are upset, even when you don't realize you are upset over something. I gather that as a boy, you used to get into a lot of fights, skipped school whenever you wanted. _

_You have no personal boundaries when it comes to other people. No topic is off-limits. No one is allowed to keep something from you – you have to know everything._

_And yet, you allow no one to get close to you. You don't let anyone in on your personal thoughts. _

Yeah.

_  
Greg, if you are serious about going home for your birthday, I'd like to invite Dr. Cuddy out for our next session. I think it would be best if you had a chance to see her and talk with her about what happened before you get back to Princeton. It's going to be stressful enough, you need to deal with your hallucination about the two of you and how it will affect your relationship. She is still your boss and she deserves your respect._

You'd still let me go home? Even after everything I said? The way I've acted lately?

I'm not sure I can see her yet.  
I feel like an idiot for believing it could have been real.  
That she would drop everything for me.

_I think it's important Greg. If you want to go home next weekend, I am going to ask Dr. Cuddy to come in so we can lay some ground rules and agree on certain things that must happen and I want you to be able to talk to her here, in a safe place, in a way that makes it easier for you to discuss some of the things that have been going on with you._

Yeah. No. Yes. Maybe. I want to go home. I want things to be normal again. If I have to do this to go home, then you do what you have to do and I'll do what I have to do.

_Normal is boring Greg. I'll set it up for a few days from now. If you want to talk before then, my door is always open._


	7. 7th Level of Hell

**Therapy:** 7th level of Hell *­**  
Rating: **K+ (rated E for everyone!), well, maybe not.**  
Summary: **The continuing adventures of House's counseling sessions at Mayfield­­­**.  
Words: **'bout 2,000. This session includes a guest character – the luscious Lisa Cuddy. Her words are underlined since I can't do a different font or color in here….**  
Disclaimer: **Mine Mine Mine. Or not. Okay, I just asked House to come out and play with me…Ken Kesey is (was) a real person. Ten virtual cupcakes to the first person to correctly identify him!**  
Beta: **Semi-beta'd by Belladionne – thanks! All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers: **Includes events through Season 5 Finale. I have no idea of what will happen in Season 6 as I try to stay unspoiled.  
(Oh fie! I couldn't resist and re-watched the promo on youtube. Way to torment myself!)**  
Feedback: **Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing_…_

**Author's notes: **Oh frak FRAK **FRAK**! I've been trying to keep my brain free from any spoilers and they showed a preview for the two-hour opener after tonight's episode. Grumble, grumble… Well, now my thoughts are tainted and I'm not sure how AU this is going to be. Drat.

**Music: **_Please Don't Leave Me – _Pink  
(Just a coincidence that it's back–to-back Pink songs… I'm not familiar with most of her stuff (I'm old) but this was playing on the radio last night as I was driving home from Princeton and it just fit with what I was writing in my head (because actually writing while driving is dangerous…))

**Now with Playlist! **Music, to me, is what sets the mood and adds to the story (forgive me, I work in the arts) so I've created a soundtrack for this series:  
playlisDOTcom/playlist/17329068811

___________________________________________________________________

Good afternoon House. I'm glad you came. Dr. Cuddy is down the hall. I wanted you to have a chance to get settled, see if there was anything you wanted to talk about before she came in. Make sure you didn't want to change your mind.

No. Let's just get this over with.  
(Paces while waiting, settles in the far corner, away from the door, seeking safety and security the only way he knows how.)

_Dr. Cuddy. Thank you for coming out today._

Dr. Kesey. Glad to meet you in person.

_Ken, please…_

_As I told you on the phone, we have been talking about House going home this weekend for –_

To go home. For a break from here. To see if I can. See who shows up to party.

_Yes. To take a few days on his own, sort of. I will need to know that you and Wilson are willing and able to supervise House for the weekend, to give him the structure he needs to have while letting him explore his boundaries._

That's fine. Just keep talking like I'm not in the room. I'll just stay out of the way over here in the corner. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain…

_House. If you want to be part of this, come over here and sit down and join us. Be active in what you want instead of negatively reacting to things that you feel aren't in your control._

Don't you just love it when he does the "Shrink Rap"?

House –

(Ducks his head.) Greg. I …want you to call me Greg.  
I think I'd like it if you called me Greg.

(Soft Smile.) Greg.  
How are you doing?

Are you feeling better? How is your leg?

Everything is just peachy here. They've got me all fixed up and I'm absolutely perfect. I won't mess up your perfect hospital and I promise to behave and do all my clinic hours like a good little boy.

Just get me out of here. Even if it's just a few days.

Greg. It's okay. I'm not angry-

You ARE angry. You HAVE to be ANGRY. I announced to the hospital I SLEPT with you. You fired me.

I...Yes. You're right. I WAS angry. But I didn't understand. I wanted to help you but you never gave me a chance. I just want to understand what you think happened that night. 

(Looking everywhere but at Cuddy.)

No. I can't…No… I was stupid.

I asked you for help and you dropped everything and came to help me. You checked my house for pills – knew all my hiding places; even ones I had forgotten. Guess that should have been a clue that it wasn't real.

You sat with me, even as I was retching in the bathroom. You gave me god-awful tea. When I saw a pill on the floor, I sent you away for honey so I could take the damn thing. All I wanted was that pill but you came back in and stopped me. Amber was there, mocking me; telling me I was no good and I knew it, that's why I couldn't have you there. That the pills meant more to me than anything else. But you couldn't hear her so you didn't know, you didn't care.

You stayed with me all night. Held me, talked with me, took care of me…mothered me even.

You're good at that.

At least in my hallucination, you were.

I...wanted you to take care of me.

And then it was morning and Amber was gone and it was just us.

(Studiously checking out his cane, the ceiling, the floor.)

And I was better. I was over it all. Clean... Off the pills. The pain was gone. And all I wanted to do…

All I wanted to do was what I always want to do.

I wanted to kiss you. You asked me if I wanted to kiss you. And then you kissed me… It was…it was everything I wanted it to be. The next thing I knew, we were going at it like bunnies.

God. You were so hot. So…fabulous. You rocked my world – literally.

When I woke up, I saw your lipstick on the sink, smeared on my face. I felt – alive again. I realized everything I had missed with my arrogance and my…my detachment. God. I felt so good. I knew you wanted me and that made me feel so good.

Greg – please come sit. I can't take all of this in with you constantly pacing. Sit and talk WITH me, not AT me. Please.

Pacing helps me think. Do you want me to tell you what I thought or not?

Sorry. Yes, I want to understand. Keep pacing if it's what you need to do.

When I got to work, I was… happy. Actually happy. I couldn't wait to share my news with Wilson and he didn't seem too surprised. And then you came to talk with me and it seemed as though you were blowing everything out of proportion.

I really did think we should move in together. I didn't understand that you and I were having separate conversations.

And then… then when we both understood… I just lost everything. Nothing was real. Nothing made sense any more.

The more I lock myself away from the world, the more I'm locked in.

Greg. I understand. I do. I don't know where this leaves both of us, I think that will take more time then we have today and I'm still trying to understand everything that happened, that you think happened, and what it means for you, for us. For the hospital. 

I want to help you find your way back to yourself. To that arrogant bastard that comes up with a last minute epiphany based on God only knows what to save the patient and the day. 

You are still in there, but you need some breadcrumbs to find your way back.

I don't know if I can find them. I haven't been myself since Kutner; hell, before Amber even.

We'll find them together. It's okay. I want to help you, so does Wilson. 

How much do they all know? How bad is going to be to go back this weekend?

Your staff knows that you've taken a break for a few months. They know you've been struggling, more than usual, with your pain for some time now. The methadone was just another try at managing your pain. I haven't talked to them about your hallucinations of Kutner and Amber, but, well, they do know about your hallucination about the two of us. Kinda hard to keep that under wraps since you announced it to the whole clinic. 

Do you want me to talk to them before you come in?

No. No. I don't… I don't know. Do they have to know?You won't tell them anything will you?

Greg, you know I wouldn't share your medical information without your permission. I won't tell them anything you don't want me to share.

_Greg, it might be beneficial if you do talk with them about it._

I said no.

_Okay. You'll do what you feel is right. Tell them or not, it's up to you. On one condition. If you see something that you are not sure if it's real or not, you need to let them know. They're there to help you find your way home too. They are part of your support system too._

More shrink crap Doc?  
Thanks a lot.

Greg – don't get snarky. He's trying to help you.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks so much.

_Shall we talk a little about this weekend? There are some conditions I need to make sure are met before I can release House to you from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon._

Gee, let me guess. No drugs, no booze, lock me in from 9 pm – 9 am – alone without any hookers I bet, make sure I eat 3 squares and 2 or 3 snacks during the day, visit the PT room at least once…

Greg…

_Actually, it's not going to be that bad House. Yes, the only drugs you are to take are the ones I've prescribed, and I would like you to take your anti-anxiety meds with you just in case. Booze? I don't see a problem with having a beer or two, but don't overdo it. You will need to be supervised while you are in Princeton, but I assume that between Drs. Wilson and Cuddy that won't be a problem –_

Dr. Wilson is going to come out to pick him up late afternoon on Friday and they'll stay at his apartment and then go into PPTH in the morning so Greg can look over some of the paperwork that is threatening to take over his office and to check in with his staff. People will be around, in and out of the area. Wilson has something planned back at House's apartment for Saturday evening and then one of us will bring him back sometime Sunday afternoon if that's all right with you.

Hello? Does the insane man get any input on his weekend? Doesn't the condemned man get a last wish?

Oh hush Greg. Maybe I should just nix this whole plan right now. I would, except Wilson would be disappointed.

Will you at least wear something a little more interesting? Why didn't you wear one of those trampy shirts of yours? Let a guy get a little peek at the old funbags? It's been too long since they've gotten a chance to shine…

GREG!

_HOUSE! I think that's enough. _

Actually, Ken, it's okay. It's how he expresses his affection for me. I was getting worried that he hadn't made any rude sexual comments to me this whole time. Maybe if he behaves, I'll find a Nurse Ratched outfit to wear for him.

I need to get going. Thank you for letting me sit in today Dr. Kesey. I'll see you in a few days Greg.

Good night Lisa.

_Behave yourself while you're in Princeton. I expect to get a good report back if you want to get outa here before your brain explodes._

_Good night House._

* * *

* 7th Level of Hell: Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assassins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgment, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.

* * *

Damn, reviews ARE addictive!! Now every time I post a new chapter I find myself obsessively checking to see if I've gotten any reviews. Save me from withdrawal folks! Post your reviews and comments today!


	8. Figure 8

**Title:** Figure 8**  
Rating:** K+ (rated E for everyone!)**  
Summary:** Ongoing counseling at Mayfield**  
Words:** about 1600**  
Disclaimer:** Mine Mine Mine. Or not.**  
Beta:** Semi-beta'd by Belladionne. Special thanks to liztheyiaoaddict for pinch hitting this round! All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 5.**  
Feedback:** Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing.**  
Author's notes:**This is House's view of _Unexpected Gifts (Alternate Version), _a story I posted earlier this past Spring. I had started the _Original Version_ over the winter but kept revising as canon kept changing. After it was posted, I came up with _Therapy_ and it just kinda became part of it. You don't need to read _Unexpected Gifts_ (either version), but I wouldn't mind if you did!

**Music:** _Human Touch_ – Rick Springfield_  
Figure Eight_ – Schoolhouse Rock

­_________________________

_House! Good to see you. Did you have a good weekend?_

Yeah. It was okay. It was …nice…I guess.

_Tell me about what you did. Did Wilson have a party for you?_

Yeah. I forgot that he knew it was my birthday and of course, Cuddy...Lisa, would have known from my file.  
I know you and Wilson talked before he came to get me so I know he cleared my Mom's plot, I mean, gifts, with you and you knew he was going to make me dinner, so don't pretend you don't already know about what happened.

_(Grins.) Can't put anything over on you, huh? You're right, I know what was planned, but I don't know how you reacted. Tell me about your weekend._

It was late Friday when we got back to Princeton so we just went to Wilson's place. Beer, pizza, monster trucks. Don't worry – I only had 2 beers and I didn't even finish the second one. It felt so "normal", "regular". I was a little, I dunno, worried I guess, that being in his apartment, the one he had shared with Amber, might bring back my hallucination, but it seemed okay. No unexpected visitors.

Wilson and my Mother set me up to "enjoy" my birthday. She sent a box of gifts to him with a note specifying who was supposed to give me which package. It was a way to keep me "entertained" I guess, while he snuck back to my place to create an elaborate meal and private party.

_Did you like the gifts she sent?_

Yeah, I did. Mostly. I wish she hadn't tried to make me play nice with all my Fellows; but I know she is who she is… She's my Mom; she wants me to be happy.

_What did she have them give you?_

Chase brought me a book my Dad had given me for my 5th birthday. A kid's mystery book. I loved solving them. She had arranged for sandwiches to be brought in and gave me a bunch of puzzles for all of us to work on. She knows me so well; I love solving puzzles so she sent me ones of places where we had lived. I know she hoped I'd talk to my minions about growing up in those places.

_Did you?_

A little, I guess. I did have some good times growing up. Mom used to make sure I visited all the neat, "secret" places in the areas we lived in – hidden caves or private museums, special collections in libraries, stuff like that.

Sounds like she really encouraged your curiosity. Tell me more about what she sent.

When I was very young, I had a stuffed ocelot. It was my favorite toy and I carried it everywhere. I wouldn't sleep without it and he always came with me on the plane when we went to a new base. When I was 8 or nine, my father said I was too old for a stuffed toy and took it away from me. I saw him toss it in the trash. I guess Mom saw it and rescued him.  
Why would she keep a toy that had been thrown away?

_You loved it; it was part of you. It was a reminder to her of her sweet little boy._

I guess.

(Ducks head.)

I brought him back here with me, Ossy, my ocelot.

Is that weird?

_I think…Your mom will be pleased that you wanted to have him back. That he is able to comfort you like he did when you were a boy._

They, Wilson and Cuddy, they let me take my bike out for a ride. God, I missed the feeling of being free on the road. Princeton is really nice in the Spring. Don't worry, I was careful, I got home on time, early even. I know they were testing me, wanting to see if I could follow your rules or not. I'm sure they had a GPS or homing chip somewhere on the bike so if I took off they'd track me down. Not that I'm paranoid or anything.

They were waiting for me back at my apartment; Lisa had brought Rachel with her but she was asleep and I moved her into my bedroom.  
Wilson had cooked a bounty of my favorites. Oh man, no one cooks like he does. How am I going to stand the crap they cook here?

You know Lisa got me tickets for a Broadway show, right? She said you had agreed I could go?

_Yes, Greg. I've never been a Beckett fan, but since you like his work I think you'll enjoy a night out in the city. BUT, -_

Yeah, yeah, I know. I have to behave myself, not get into any more trouble before then, show I'm working…

_You got it!_

Mom had sent a clippings book and a sketchbook, both things that my father had kept. I didn't think he cared enough about me to do that. I left them back at the apartment though. I didn't want them to get damaged here.

_That was probably wise. He may not have been your biological father, and he may not have been demonstrative, but I do think you father loved you as if you were his own. But we'll talk about that another time. Tell me about the rest of the weekend._

I …I asked Lisa to stay.  
No – not like that. Wilson was there. He stayed on the couch, I didn't think I was going to sleep anyway and I knew I could doze in my lounger if I felt tired but I really wanted to just play my piano for a while. Lisa and the baby stayed in my room. I just, I just wanted them both around. It was weird. It just made me feel comfortable having them there. Like a family is supposed to feel like I guess.

I did eventually get some sleep but the sun woke me pretty early. I got Rachel up before she woke the other two and, I don't know, we just hung out until Wilson woke up and made me macadamia nut pancakes. Stole half of Lisa's and we all just chilled and watched movies most of the day. Wilson brought me back here Sunday afternoon. He only nagged and lectured me twice and nobody got hurt.

_So it was a good weekend then? _

Yeah.

I, um, I realized that I didn't really have any pictures of, well, anyone. And I know most of the guys have family pics up and talk about their family. So I brought some of my...my family. Mom, Wilson, Cuddy and Rachel…Wilson had a great one of the two of us at one of the fundraisers Cuddy had forced me to attend and he said he'd send me a copy.

_I think that's really good. It'll brighten up your room a bit and make you remember why you are working so hard here. You could bring the pictures with you to the next session if you would like._

_Do you think your mother succeeded in her gift?  
_

She wanted me to be happy. She always wants me to be happy. I don't know how to "do happy". But, yeah. I think she did. She made me feel some of those "good" emotions you're always going on about.

_You felt safe with your friends. Almost like you had created your own little family, didn't you? _

_It's a good thing House. Now you have several places you can feel safe in. _

_Greg, I want you to do something for the next time we get together. Your mother helped you remember some good things about growing up but I want you to come up with a few more memories. Find some that include your father, times when you felt comfortable with the world around you, times when you were successful. And I also want you to look at some of the bad times. The way you felt when your father punished you, times when you felt that you didn't belong. _

_I know – you don't want to. You don't want to tell me why you sought refuge in the back of your closet and why you said you screw everything up. Why it's always your fault. Why you're a failure._

I thought these sessions were supposed to make me feel "HAPPY!" Why do you want to remind me I'm a failure? My dad always thought I was a failure. I don't think I am.

_Ah, deflection. I mean it Greg. I want us to look at why you think you're father thought you were a failure. Why you want to brick everyone out. What you're afraid of._

_That's all for today House. I'm glad you had a nice weekend and I'm proud of the way you handled yourself while you were away. I'm glad your friends let you ride your motorcycle – I love the freedom I feel when I'm out on my bike. Remember how peaceful it felt the next time you want to take a swing at someone._

_Goodnight House._


	9. Revolution 9

**Title:** Revolution #9**  
Rating:** PG13**  
Summary:** Ongoing counseling at Mayfield**  
Words:** about 2,500**  
Disclaimer:** Mine Mine Mine. Or not.**  
Beta:** Semi-beta'd by Belladionne. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 5. Warnings for discussion of suicide.**  
Feedback:** Reviews are like Vicodin – addictive and pleasing.  
**Author's notes: **Hmmm... author's notes... there's must be author's around here somewhere...Not much this time around. I'm feeling a bit anxious about the upcoming Season Premier; not sure I'm going to like where they are going to go with the storyline. But we'll see. I'm also feeling a bit anxious about this chapter...I only write what the "voices in my head tell me to" so I'm not sure where this little story will be going. Let me know your thoughts, good or bad. Thanks!

**Music:** _Revolution #9_– The Beatles_  
Hotel California_ – The Eagles

_____________________

WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE???

_Well, good afternoon to you to House. Come in; sit down, let's talk about this calmly._

I DON'T WANT TO BE CALM. I'M TIRED OF BEING CALM. **I'M TIRED OF EVERYONE THINKING THEY KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.**

_Enough House. Blustering at me won't get you anywhere. Either sit and talk with me or go back to your room._

_…_

…

Kutner came back. I was thinking about …things…and he came back.  
Why did he kill himself? What did I miss? Did he do it because of me?  
Is that my impact on this world? To make people think it's better to kill them selves?  
I thought he was okay with who he was. He always seemed happy. Weird; but happy.

He had such great ideas. So much potential.

_Who did he remind you of?_

What do you mean?

_Did he remind you of anyone? Say a younger, happier, just as aggressive, just as curious person?_

You mean me. Did he remind me of me?

Yeah. I guess he did. He had that spark. That desire to find the answer that no one else would. From the day I fired him as 6 and he came back in as 9, I knew he would do whatever he needed to do to win.

_6 to 9?_

It was a game. To see who would be my new fellows. He had number 6 but then I fired him. He wanted to keep playing so he turned his tag upside down and came back swinging. I admired his deviousness.

_Smart guy._

Yeah. He was. He was an idiot.

_You know he wasn't you. He had his own baggage to deal with and he thought he didn't have any other options. You know better. You have options. _

_You've led a pretty reckless life. Have you ever thought the chances you were taking were your attempts at suicide? Doing dangerous things that could get you killed without actually having to kill yourself?_

NO! I'd never kill myself. That would be moronic. It fixes nothing.  
Dying's easy – living is hard.

…

Once.

Maybe.

Maybe twice.

Okay, maybe I took chances. But…

_Tell me about some of the "chances" you took Greg._

I've always been reckless I guess. Any rule my father set, I found creative ways to break it. Mostly it was just to piss him off, but sometimes it was 'cause I wanted to just get away from him. If I got hurt, I knew my mom would take care of me, protect me. Sometimes though, I thought that I'd show him; I'd kill myself and then he'd realize how bad a father he was and how great I was and he'd be sorry.

I was always the wild child on base. Need someone to try flying off the tallest building? Call Greg House. Want to find the best drugs or get someone to buy you lots of alcohol? Greg House can do it! Play cops and robbers on the "abandoned" minefield? Hey, I bet Greg House would take that dare! I was willing to take any dare, take any risk. I didn't care.

_But you mother cared. She was worried. And you didn't like that part of yourself, did you? Most of that, while certainly dangerous, seems like a strong-willed child who was fascinated by risk and took it to the extreme. You didn't take as many obvious risks after you left home did you? _

_I'm sure you tried enough "recreational" drugs and took some chances, but not anything that someone might consider an attempt to end your own life. _

_But what about after the infarction?_

I stuck a knife into a wall socket. But I had to do it to talk to a patient. He came into the ER after sticking his knife into a socket and said I couldn't understand unless I had been dead like that. I needed to do it to fix him. I didn't want to kill myself; I just wanted to "almost" kill myself.

_And?_

He died before I could talk to him. I didn't learn anything. Pissed Wilson off. Again.

_Any other times you wanted to "almost" kill yourself?_

No.

Yes.

(Takes a deep breath.)

A few years ago I pissed off a cop. He came after me for the drugs I had and did everything he could think of to make my life miserable. He was going to send me to jail. I couldn't handle that. Couldn't believe he could do that. He offered me a deal and I didn't want to take it because it was wrong. I hadn't done anything wrong, I mean, other than be an ass to him.

It was Christmas Eve. Wilson... Wilson had his own issues going on and wasn't there. I don't know what I really meant to do. I guess I figured Wilson would be there. He's always there. But he wasn't.

I had a new bottle of Vicodin that Cuddy had just given me. I had a bottle of Maker's Mark. I called my Mom. I was afraid I'd get my Dad, but I got the machine. I left a message for her, for them. I supposed it might have sounded like it was my last call, like I just wanted to say goodbye. To let someone know I was checking out, shuffling off this mortal coil.

I just wanted everything to go away. My leg just never stopped hurting. I just didn't want to keep hurting people around me. Wilson…Wilson always seemed to get hit by the flying shrapnel. Vogler and then Tritter. Who knows how many times he took the heat for something I had done. I couldn't do it to him any more. If I was gone, he'd be able to get on with his life without cleaning up after me anymore.

_So you took as much Vicodin as you could and chased it with as much bourbon as you could before passing out on the floor._

Yeah.

_Then what?_

I must have vomited up most of it. Wilson had tried to call and when he didn't get an answer, he stopped by. He wanted to nag at me one more time to take Tritter's deal.

The way he looked at me that night…I know he thought I was a pathetic loser. An idiot. He didn't stay. He took one look at me, drugged out of my head, vomit all over me, pooling on the floor, and just left me there.

I can't say I blame him. I'm nothing but a disappointment.

I tried to go to Tritter to take the deal but he said it was too late…

_Do you really think that Wilson thinks of you as a pathetic loser? That he sticks around out of pity?_

No. Yes. No. Maybe.

_What is he to you? Friend? Lover? Enemy? Family?_

I don't know Doc. I don't know. I don't want to talk about it today. I'm not ready to go there yet.

_Okay. We'll table that for now. But you know we'll have to address that soon_.

Yeah. All right. But not today, okay?

_Okay House. It's okay._

_What about what we talked about last time? _

You mean the psyco-babble about what makes me feel good and bad?

_Yep. Let's hear it. Tell me some of the things that make you feel good about yourself._

Easy.

Solving the puzzle.

Ivory keys beneath my fingers.

A freshly tuned guitar in my hands.

Riding my motorcycle.

_Those are things that make you feel __good__. What makes you feel __good about yourself__?_

…

_Not so easy, huh? Okay, finish this sentence: I feel good about myself when…_

…when I find an answer that no one else thought of and I'm RIGHT.

_Good. Another one?_

… I feel good about myself when… when I can make Wilson laugh himself silly after he loses yet another bald-headed soul-sucking cancer kids.

…when I can get Cuddy so riled up and passionate about medicine, about me, that she goes into overdrive. She just gets so fired up, so focused and determined. It's so damn HOT.

…when my Fellows look to me for an answer and listen to me.

…when my Mom talks to me and tells me I did a good job.

_Okay. I like that._

_What about what makes you feel bad about yourself? _

_What makes you feel that you are worthless, a "pathetic loser"?_

No.

I'm done playing.

_No._

_You're not._

…

…

Not letting me off the hook, huh?

Okay.

I feel worthless when I can't solve the problem. When I can't FIX it.

I don't feel worthy of Wilson's… of Wilson.

I feel like a failure…

_What makes you feel like a failure Greg?_

I can't be the son my father wanted. I'm not the man he was, not the man he wanted me to be.

_But is that a bad thing Greg? _

_You are the man you are supposed to be._

_You are a world-famous doctor. You solve cases that no one else can. Despite your arrogance, your cavalier attitude, your outward callousness, you ARE respected. You are quoted, sought after, and you do have people in your life that truly love you and count on you._

I'm not a man in my father's eyes. I never stood up for my country. Never risked my life for something he thought mattered.

I spend my childhood trying to please a man that wasn't really my father. They tried to hide that from me. I still don't know why they hid it from me. It might have made things easier between us if I had known why.

When I was a kid, he was always doing things that he thought would "make a man out of me". Tried to teach me how to shoot a gun, tried to make me into his Little Man, make me like him.

Whenever we lived close enough to a beach, he'd make me get up right before dawn and we'd go swimming. He'd drag me out of my bed, still in my pajamas, and take me down to the water's edge. We'd strip off our clothes and swim until the sun was up. He didn't care how cold it was; he'd tell me I had too easy a life and that this would make me strong. If we didn't have access to a beach, he'd drag me to the pool on the base. I'd swim laps with the recruits in the cold water until he thought I'd worked up an appetite.

I hate the cold.

It wasn't until I developed pneumonia when I was 11 that my mother made him stop.

I hate being cold.

_What else did your father teach you?_

How to make a decision and stick to it.

He taught me to keep to myself.

Confiding in others is useless.

He taught me to be defensive.

He taught me I was a disappointment.

He had this insane moral compass and refused to let anyone lie to him.  
Even if you needed to in order to lie to yourself in order to keep yourself sane.

Always told me I didn't know how lucky I was.  
Even after my infarction, he kept telling me I still had 2 legs; I was "lucky".

He taught me I had no power.

That I had no control over anything in my life.

He taught me to be miserable.

He taught me I wasn't worth much, at least to him.

He taught me how to be sarcastic.

He taught me how to deflect.

He taught me how to be aggressive.

He taught me to be ANGRY and how to strike out. How to fight. How to attack –

**– _GREG. STOP. Put DOWN your cane. STOP–_**

It's MY FAULT Kutner is dead. I killed him... I ridiculed him. I mocked him. I treated him like my father always treated me. Amber's DEAD because of me. I took away the one woman Wilson could have actually loved because I was afraid I'd lose him _–_

_­**– SECURITY– SECURITY ­­– **_

It's my fault. All of it. He was right. I'm just a pathetic loser. I'm nothing.

(Sounds of glass shattering, wood breaking, emergency sirens.)


	10. Ten Days of Repentance

**Title:** Ten Days of Repentance**  
Rating:** PG13**  
Summary:** Ongoing counseling at Mayfield**  
Words:** about 1650**  
Disclaimer:** Mine Mine Mine. Or not.**  
Beta:** Semi-beta'd by Belladionne. And then I went and changed some stuff after she had read it but wanted to get it posted. Let me know if you spot an error. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 5.**  
Feedback:** A big thank you and virtual ice cream cones (they're less fattening!) to all those who have "favorited" my story and added me to their update lists. I truly appreciate the reviews and comments. Please feel free to leave more than one review and to pass the story on to others (if you post it on any forums {i.} let me know!). Thank you; muchas gracias; dekuju; tak; merci beaucoup; danke; toda raba …**  
Author's note #1:** 6I know, it was naughty of me to end the last session as a cliff hanger, but it was necessary for House to exhibit a major emotion and anger is what he has in him. Am I forgiven?**  
Author's note #2:** There's no music for this session. If there were, it would be _Bohemian Rhapsody_ by Queen, but I needed it to be stark, empty, repentant; so no music. I added it to the playlist though, 'cause I really like the song.

**Music:** none

_____________________________________

This is a different office

_Yes. It will take a while for them to repair the damage you did to my office so we have to meet here for a while._

It's a different office.

_Yes House. You already commented on that. _

I don't want to meet in here. I like the other office.

_Well then, you should not have thrown everything around in my office and thrown the chairs out the window. _

_For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction._

There's not enough room for me to walk around.  
There's no chair for me to sit in.

_Your cane is currently sitting outside my window and down the hill. Once grounds keeping retrieves it, you're not getting it back for a while so I'm pretty sure pacing is not in your near future._

_  
Which means you are back in the wheelchair for a bit and you won't need a chair. Since we all know how much damage you can do with a single chair, I wouldn't expect to have any loose chairs around you for a while either._

I was angry. You want me to talk about things I don't want to, things that are in my past and can't be changed. Why bother? I can't undo anything I've already done.

_Greg, -_

**Don't call me Greg! You're not allowed to call me Greg.**

_Enough Greg. If you need a way to express your anger aggressively, I'll arrange for ways for you to do so, but you will NOT do it in this office. _

_Do you understand?_

Yeah. I'll be good. I'll behave myself.

_Greg, it's not about simply "behaving yourself". There are things in your life, some of them in your past, that are very troubling to you and they are causing you serious stress and anger. You need to deal with your emotions before they kill you._

_I wonder if I should rename you Randall Patrick McMurphy. Ever since you got here you've been a rabble-rouser, trying to change the rules you don't like, bringing gambling into the ward, stirring up dissension and discontent among the other patients. Even that watch cap you've taken to wearing._

My head is cold. Your goons shaved off most my hair and I told you, I don't like to be cold.

_You've refused to take your medication and argued with anyone and everyone. You've tried to bypass every attempt to help you get better. This isn't a game Greg._

_I'm concerned about you and where you are heading. You've been spiraling out of control._

Society values cooperation over independence, obedience over individuality, and "NICENESS" above all else.  
I don't think I can do that. I NEED my independence and my individuality. And I just don't see the point to being "nice" all the time.

(Quietly, subdued.)  
They put me in seclusion.  
Took away everything.  
I have a mat to sleep on and a blanket and pillow. That's it.

No cane.  
No way to get up off the ground without assistance.

They bring me a tray of precut and ready to eat food so I don't need utensils. It's all non-breakable plates and cups. And then they stand there until I eat it. Not talking to me. Not allowing me any contact with anyone.

I can't have my I-pod or my TV. No books. I don't even get that lousy piped in elevator music the nurse is so fond of playing for the crazies. Nothing.

No lousy out of tune piano with sticky keys even.

Even prisoners can have a harmonica.

If you guys really want to see me go insane, you've found the one way to do it.

_Greg, we're not trying make you go insane. We need you to be away from the distractions that you allow yourself. If they don't watch you eat, you won't eat. You get lost in that massive brain of yours and forget to take care of even your basic needs._

(Quietly. Lost.)  
How do I know you're real? How do I know any of this is real?

I mean – c'mon. I work in a hospital that allows me to do pretty much anything I want, as long as I cure the patient. Cockamamie ideas based on nothing but an odd random thought that pops into my head at the right moment. My boss wears clothes that are meant to draw my attention to her. Sexy as hell, but really, is that what an administrator of a major hospital should be wearing?

I get away with rude comments and ignoring policy. Hell, I should have been brought up on sexual harassment a hundred times over. I'm disrespectful to everyone, I don't do hours in the clinic my contract requires me to do…

I feel like I live in a fishbowl. Like someone is watching me, analyzing me. Testing me to see how I'll react.

Maybe it's a delayed reaction to my motorcycle accident a few months ago; maybe I hit my head harder than I thought. Or the bus accident or the deep brain stimulation or the Physostigmine I took to boost my memory to find the clue I was missing to try to save Amber.

Maybe Amber isn't dead. Then Kutner wouldn't be dead. Maybe I'm lying in a hospital bed in a coma from the accident and all this is my brain trying to fight its way through the fog…

_Greg. Amber IS dead. And so is Larry Kutner. I know it would be easier for you to pretend that they are not, but that would not be a healthy choice._

Maybe the Ketamine screwed with my brain more than any of us figured.

What if I'm still in a coma after the infarction and all of this has just been in my vegetative mind? That's possible. Maybe I've just made all of this up as a defense mechanism… I've created my own little world. Wilson's there, because, well, Wilson's always there…He's the rational part of me. Cuddy? Hell, that's easy; she's the emotional part of me. Amber, she's obviously the female me. Chase, Cameron, Taub, Foreman, even… They're all different bits of me. Kutner is obviously me as a young doctor -

_GREG! Stop it. THIS IS REAL. You are real. I am real. Your staff, your friends, they ARE all real. And Amber and Kutner ARE dead._

I can't tell what's real and what's not.

…Damn! I can't even storm out of here in an impressive snit since I can't open the door while I'm in this damned wheelchair. They made sure to give me one I can't wheel myself and they've strapped me into it so I can't just get out and walk off.

I didn't sign up for any of this. I just wanted Kutner and Amber to leave me alone. To get Cuddy out of my head. To find out what's wrong with me.

I'm NOT CRAZY. I'm not violent and disturbed. I'm not.

_You're right House. You're not insane and you're mostly not violent. But you have had several violent and damaging episodes while you've been here and you need to find better ways to express your anger and your fears._

_I know you are hoping to get a pass to see that play on Broadway in a few weeks. If your attitude and efforts don't improve, I'm going to have to deny it to you._

I know.  
I don't want to disappoint Lisa.

Or Wilson.  
I'll try.  
I will.

I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to be in pain.

_Okay, I'll talk to Amanda to see if she will go to the director to get your swimming privileges back as part of your PT, and I'll try to get your piano privileges back because I think it's good for your emotional health._

_But I need you to do your part too.__That means taking your meds every day, on time, no hassling the nurses about it.  
When you go to the pool or to play the piano you WILL take Stephen or another Associate with you. You are NOT to go unaccompanied._

_You make the effort, I'll make the effort.  
Agreed?_

Yeah. Agreed.

(Both are quiet for a few minutes.)

How do other people do it? How do they meet others? How do they know to be happy?

How did Wilson know it was okay to trust Amber? To get involved with her? To fall in love with her?

The idiot's been married and divorced 3 times and yet, he was STILL willing to go through it all over again to be with Amber. And the pain he went through when she died. How can he do that to himself?

Lisa's been torn into pieces by her desire, her Quixotic quest, to be a mother. She thinks I don't know about the miscarriage she had, but I do. Then she thought she had a child to adopt and it was snatched away from her at the last moment. Rachel was a surprise for her. But she doesn't know if she'll be able to adopt her or whether she'll be moved to another foster parent or even if she'll be healthy. And she still puts herself out there, looking for a husband. Looking for something I don't think I can be.

How do they do that? How can they just "leap"?

_They just do, Greg. They take a deep breath and go. All you see are the losses. You don't see everything they've gained. It isn't a logic problem or a scientific equation, Greg. They've looked at the pluses and minuses and decided the risk was worth it._

_You're willing to risk everything but yourself. And now, when want to take a chance, you don't know how to even try to take a risk._

_Greg, I want you the think about what you really WANT out of life. Where did you think you'd be at 50? Are you there? What do you want out of the next 25 – 50 years of your life? And yes, before you ask, I do think you have a few more good years out there for yourself. And I do think there are things you WANT to achieve and that you CAN achieve. Let's talk about that next time, okay?_

_I think we are closer to the answers you need House. We'll get there together._

'_Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more'_

_I want you to come talk with me tomorrow._

_______________

**Author's note #3:** House's line about "cooperation over independence…" is from a Sue Grafton novel, _O is for Outlaw_. I was listening to it as I drove to Poughkeepsie last week and it lead me to this chapter.

**Author's note #4:** From the Shemoneh Esrie: The purpose of the 10 days from Rosh Hashana until Yom Kippur is repentance, tshuvah. Engaging oneself in repentance requires introspection as we look into our actions and we have regret for our transgressions. At the sound of the first shofar blast, teru'ah it cries out to each of us for "self-examination", to reconcile our differences with each other, and to make amends and repent. The use of the emotion of guilt can act as a positive motivator; facing shame and regret pushes a person towards tshuvah.  
And yes, I know House is not Jewish, but _it fits_!


	11. Eleventh Hour

**Title:** Eleventh Hour**  
Rating:** PG13**  
Summary:** Ongoing counseling at Mayfield**  
Words:** about 1800**  
Disclaimer:** Mine Mine Mine. Or not.**  
Beta:** Semi-beta'd by Belladionne. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 5.**  
Feedback: **I like it, I love it, I want some more of it! (Oops - sorry, Tim McGraw was on the ipod {or is that ip-od?} while I was uploading this!)_But yeah, I like feedback!_**  
Author's note 1:** YAY!!! Got my Season 5 DVD's in the mail! Just in time for vacation! {Think the kids will notice if I put my House DVD's into their Barney DVD cases in the beach bag??}**  
Author's note 2: **Sorry for the long delay in this update. RL has been attacking me from all sides and I did have to spend last week at the beach and didn't have internet access (oh the HORROR!). working on the next 2 chaps and hope to have them up soon. Thanks for your patience!  
**  
**

**Music:** _You Can't Always Get What You Want_ – The Rolling Stones

_____________________________________

Still in the minimalist office I see.

_Yes, House. They are still repairing the damage you did. Are you proud of yourself? Although I understand that this is not the first office to be renovated because of something you did._

Hey! That's not fair – there was a guy with a gun in Cuddy's office. It wasn't MY fault she had to redo it.

_True, but if you had not been in there pranking her to begin with –_

He would have killed a bunch of innocent people and died from melioidosis.

_You're never responsible for anything, are you? There's always another person who is at fault.__But you're deflecting.  
There are some things I want us to talk about today._

_Tell me more about your relationship with Stacy. Did you see it as your only relationship?  
Were you planning on marrying her? Having kids with her? _

Yeah, right. Could you really see me as someone's "Dad"?

_Actually, I think you would have been a good father.  
Your curiosity and relentless drive would be an excellent example. You're straightforward and treat children well.  
But that's another conversation._

_Tell me more about how you and Stacy met…what you had expected from the relationship, how the relationship was going… how it ended._

We met, she moved in, I had an infarction, she left.

_The Reader's Digest version. How handy.  
A bit more detailed version please?_

I shot her playing paintball; she got pissed, which got me hot to jump her; we had a great night in bed together; she swore she hated me but moved in with me less than week later.

There were no expectations other than great sex and someone to play with; it's not like we ever really talked about it, I met her one day and before the week was over we were living together.

The first 4 years were great. In every way. We talked about being together in a long-term kinda way – I added her name to my condo, we gave each other power of attorney and medical proxy.

When I had the infarction, she didn't protect my wishes and left me in pain and scarred for life. I couldn't forgive her for betraying me and I pushed her away. And yet, it still came as a surprise to me when she left.

_Marriage? Kids? Ever discuss them?_

I knew she would have liked to marry me. I never saw the point. Either you were together or you weren't. What difference does a piece of paper make?

Kids? Me? "Other people are Hell."

I don't know.  
Sometimes I think it would have been cool to have a mini-House running around. I'd teach him how to rule the world. He'd probably hate me and leave me too.

…

Stacy came back to see me a few years after she had left. She had met someone else and married him and when he got sick, she came to me. How's that for being a cruel bitch?

I got her back from him though. We were stranded in Baltimore and something almost happened but then my patient needed me. I left this gorgeous, aroused, willing woman alone in the hotel room while I sat in a closed airport trying to figure out what lies my patient had been telling us. Maybe I am insane – I could have had her that night. She would have been MINE again.

After we got back to Princeton we somehow wound up back in my bed. God, I had forgotten how good she was. It was too short though. My patient needed me so I had to leave her and come in to work.

I HAD her. She was MINE again. But I told her to go back to Mark.

I would have only disappointed her again. She would have left me again anyway.

_She was married to him. She had a life with him. I'm sure you're good, but she was risking a lot Greg. Did you really think one night would change her mind?_

It did the first time we were together.

_True. But there were other things, other people, to take into consideration this time._

_You made the right decision Greg. You knew that what you were doing was against your own moral code. You knew that Mark would never just let her go and you didn't want her enough to fight for her._

_What if she had decided the best medical choice was for the surgeons to take your leg? It would have been the wisest choice for her._

I…I don't know. I would have been furious at her. Devastated. I would have never recovered from it. Yes, I know, counseling would have helped me adjust; Stacy would have stayed out of guilt. But we would have both been miserable.

I'd be a different person. It would have been harder for me to keep practicing medicine.

_You know Greg, there's something we haven't talked about that I think you need to think about.  
Your leg is still causing you considerable pain and we are approaching an end to pharmaceutical remedies. Have you considered ampu-_

**NO! **

**NO! **

**That's NOT an option!  
I wouldn't let Stacy do it 10 years ago and it's not going to happen now.  
**

**It's MY leg. I LIKE it. I NEED it. I won't even discuss this.**

_Greg –_

**I SAID NO!**

_Greg! We do need to talk about this. It IS a viable option and I want you to give it some serious thought. It would mean an end to the constant pain. An end to your dependence on Vicodin or other painkillers. I believe it would also help you to move past the trauma from the infarction and the loss of Stacy.  
You would be able to finally move on with your life._

What about phantom pain? Contractures? It would just be a different type of pain.  
I'd have to be in rehab and "counseling" for two years, at least.

The complications that come from my age, the increase in my energy consumption to simply walk…

And there's no guarantee that the pain would be gone.

_True. There are no guarantees.  
But it is something I want you to think about and discuss with the medical doctors._

...

_You've been fighting the Vicodin detox and the alternative treatments ever since you got here.  
This won't work if you don't want it to. YOU have to want this._

I know that Doc. I know that I can't keep going with the drugs all the time.

Alcohol is only a temporary fix too.

I just don't want to be in pain anymore.  
I really don't want to be miserable.

I can't lose anyone else. It's just too hard.

_It's easier to push everyone away isn't it?  
Then you don't have to get hurt._

…

…

…

_Greg? Why did you go into Diagnostics?_

_Why not research? You specialized in Neurology and Infectious Diseases, right?  
There must have been offers for you to work in any number of outstanding institutions.  
You could have had your own lab, not had to deal with people, no direct contact with patients, the solitude you seem to want… And yet, you went into Diagnostics._

_Despite the fact that you try to avoid people at all times, you CHOSE a field where you would have to study people; even interact with them.  
Why?_

It's the puzzles.

Research is boring. It's the same thing over and over.

Diagnostics is different every time.

I don't like being bored.

_Yes, I've noticed that. Your overactive brain never shuts down does it?__  
That's one of the issues you have isn't it?  
The drugs, the alcohol, the hookers?  
Even the random, mindless TV that you are so addicted to – it's all a way to shut down your mind for a while, isn't it?_

…

It never stops.  
I can't shut it off, even when I want to.

_We can work on that too, Greg. There are better ways for you to channel your energies, your rampant brain. I'm going to speak with Dr. Cuddy about bringing you some cases to look at. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't look at files and see whether you can come up with some new ideas and diagnoses._

_I think that that's going to be all for today House. I want you to think about whether you really want this to work and how you can make it work, if that's what you want. I also want you to think about how your addictions have hurt you and those around you, the people who, despite your every effort to get them out of your life, care about you._

_I'll see you tomorrow._


	12. 12th Night

**Title:** Twelfth Night**  
Rating:** PG13**  
Summary:** Ongoing counseling at Mayfield**  
Words:** about 1700**  
Disclaimer:** Mine Mine Mine. Or not.**  
Beta:** Semi-beta'd by Belladionne. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 5.**  
Feedback: **Been a loooong week for me...could use the pick-me-up of reviews so I know folks are still out there reading. :-)**  
Author's note 1:** I can't believe it's been more than 20 years since I've read _Waiting for Godot_. For me, the play is something that House would definitely identify with. The production discussed here did happen in NYC at the Roundabout Theatre. Many of House's comments about the play come from various reviews. Due to a death in the family, I was unable to attend a performance, but heard rave reviews from those who did. If you've never read it, I highly recommend doing so!**  
Author's note 2:** I would add Matt Nathanson to my playlist but he's not available. Visit his website to hear this and other great songs. And yes, I know they used the other one on the show, but I happen to really like the song so I used it too!

**Music:** _Get Higher_ – Matt Nathanson_  
I'm In Love With a Girl_ - Big Star

______________________

_Ah House! You're early today.  
And Amanda let you have your cane back_

YEP! I'm a danger to society once again! Or at least for three hours a day when supervised by Stephen the Weird or you…

_Good to hear. _

_I was pleased to see how well you have been cooperating with the staff and with taking your meds.  
When properly motivated you seem to be able to behave yourself.  
I was glad I could release you to Dr. Cuddy's custody for the weekend. _

_Did you have a good time in the City?_

Yeah, I did.

It was apparently "bring your mentally unstable relations to the theatre week". Wilson came with us and brought his brother from his funny farm. It was a blast. Maybe you have to be a little off your rocker to really appreciate Beckett's humour.

Cuddy had gotten a family suite for us so we didn't have to drive both ways in one night, particularly since she had the drive from Princeton to here and back. Wilson and Daniel took one room, I took the single and Cuddy barricaded herself in the master bedroom.

Yes, we all behaved ourselves. Daddy Wilson would only let us have two beers the whole night and Cuddy had blocked the porn channels from our room. Daniel and I compared the crazies in our hospitals…there's some real whackos in his place so we called it a draw.

_What did you do while you were there?_

We got in around mid-afternoon so we went over to Bryant Park and played some chess and just hung out. A short nap at the hotel, and dinner before the play then we went back to the bar at the hotel and watched the world float by. Lisa had arranged for a late checkout for us, so we were able to sleep in a bit and then hit Zabar's for brunch and headed back.

It was nice to be "free", for a while at least, but it was also a bit overwhelming. After two months here, I'm not used to all that chaos. I'd forgotten how great it is to just wander around The City.

_How was the play?_

Nathan Lane, Bill Irwin, John Goodman and John Glover – how could you go wrong?

_Do you identify more with Vladimir or with Estragon?_

Vladimir is trying to figure it all out and hangs on to the hope that it will work out  
Estragon doesn't really care – just wants to go to sleep. He knows there's no relief in sight,

There are days I'm one and other days I'm the other. The futility of everything is where my mind has been lately. What does any of this mean….why do we even bother?

Since the infarction, I feel like I'm waiting for Godot myself. I'm waiting, waiting, waiting, but I don't know what I'm waiting FOR. It's boredom. All the time. Everything I do is to combat the boredom. I "give the impression I exist".

_How did you feel when Gogo tells Didi "don't touch me" but then pleads in his next breath "Stay with me"? _

It's the push me- pull me relationship that I'm in most of the time. The need and impossibility of human connections. Everyone tells me I need to have friends, to have relationships, but there's no one around who is willing to stay with me.

_Tell me more about your "relationship" with Dr. Cuddy._

No.

_Yes._

No.

_You don't leave this room today until we have this discussion._

…

_I have nothing else on my schedule today. You have nothing until PT and even that can be moved. THIS is what we need to talk about. TODAY._

No.

…

…

_What is Lisa Cuddy to you House?_

…

_Why does she matter to you? _

…

_Tell me about her._

…

I don't know.

_Greg –_

No, really. I don't know. I have no idea what we are to each other.

We've danced around the whole topic for more than 20 years.

I thrust, she parries; she steps forward, I step back.

We've teased, bantered, fought so many times and I have no idea of where I stand with her.

I don't think she has any idea either.

…

We've been each other's doctor; we've seen each other semi-clothed…

We've pushed boundaries back and forth.

She trusted me to give her IVF shots and to keep it a secret, even from Wilson.  
I trusted her to see my leg, to help me when I was in too much pain to do anything myself.

…

She torments my days and haunts my dreams…  
Sure, I've fantasized about her – I am a man and she is definitely all woman.

…

I look at her ass anytime I can. I make no secret that I try to peek down her blouse every time I see her. Hell, I'm pretty sure she dresses the way she does just to get my attention.

When she was trying to have a child…

(Shakes head as if to clear the thought from his head)

It drove me nuts thinking she would pick a bad donor. I wanted everything to be perfect for her. I can't figure out WHY it was so important to me for everything to be perfect for her, but it was.

I knew that 2 of the implantations took and that she lost them. I still wasn't there for her. She gave up trying to have her own child after that. Decided to adopt. I thought that would take a while but it didn't. She found a woman who was ready to give up her baby and wanted to give it to her almost immediately. But I couldn't bring myself to support her decision. I couldn't be there for her like everyone else was. And by everyone else, I mean Wilson. It didn't turn out well.

_Why not?_

If I had an answer to that, do you think I'd be here?

_Good point._

I kissed her.  
After she lost Joy…

We danced around that too. I wouldn't let her talk to me about it. I didn't want to think about what it meant.

I went over to her house one night. It was late. I could see through the living room window. She was sitting in her living room drinking a cup of tea, writing something. I wanted to knock on her door. Wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her again. Wanted to tell her everything would be all right.  
I went back home instead.

_What stopped you Greg?_

Why do you always interrupt me? You want me to talk and then when I do, you interrupt me.

_Sorry. That's the way this works sometimes. I'm looking for clarification; looking for you to find clarification for yourself.  
What stopped you from knocking on her door Greg?_

What if…what if she laughed at me? What if I screwed everything up?

What if she did? What if it worked out to be something good?

I don't want anything to change. Change is not good.

Three weeks later, I grabbed her breasts while she was in my office.  
She should have kicked me out of her hospital just for that.

God, they felt so good.  
They fit right into the hollow of my hand - a perfect fit. I didn't want to let go.

I don't know why I did any of those things, but she was hurting after that tramp took her baby back from her and I didn't want to see her in so much pain.

All I did was muddy the waters.

_Not knowing is a difficult thing for you, isn't it Greg?__  
You don't just WANT to solve the problem – you NEED to have the answers.  
It physically hurts you to be unsure._

_  
It sounds as though you had a good weekend together with Wilson and Daniel. You were friends. There was no pressure for it to be anything else._

_Greg, let's not worry about romantic feelings for the moment.  
I want you to simply see if you like Lisa Cuddy. As a person. _

_I'd like for you to work on just being friends with Lisa.  
Support her, stop giving her a hard time. Try to be nice. Ask her about her daughter._

_Did you talk about any cases on your drive?_

Yeah. Mostly no brainers, but a couple of interesting ones. We talked about them, I wrote out some notes and suggestions; she faxed them to my team, or at least what remains of my team, for them to look at. Cuddy left me a message late last night that the suggestions were good and they were seeing some positive results.

_That's great Greg!_

_I'd like you to start thinking about going back to work soon.  
How you're going to structure your schedule and your life better to keep yourself healthy. _

_We can continue to talk over the phone, you could come here once a week if you'd prefer…  
We'll talk about that in our upcoming sessions._

_I think you have enough time to catch your soap opera before PT.  
I'll see you in a day or two_.


	13. Baker's Dozen

**Title:** Baker's Dozen**  
Rating:** PG13**  
Summary:** Ongoing counseling at Mayfield**  
Words:** about 2,000**  
Disclaimer:** Mine Mine Mine. Or not.**  
Beta:** Semi-beta'd by Belladionne. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 5.**  
Feedback: **_Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home? Come on, now. I hear you're feeling down. Well I can ease your pain, Get you on your feet again. Relax._  
Love the feedback. Need the feedback!  
**Author's note:** Okay, the Huddites had Session 12 so the Hilsonettes get Session 13.  
And yes, I know, House wouldn't be caught dead listening to Taylor Swift, but it's too good a song to pass up!

**Music:** _You Belong with Me_ - Taylor Swift_  
Home_ – Michael Buble  
_Something to Talk About_ – Bonnie Raitt

__________

_Come on in House.  
You're looking stronger. PT has been good to you. _

Yeah, I guess it's been okay. I mean, I'm still in pain, the fake Vicodin they try to convince me is great doesn't take nearly enough of the edge off, but I actually have gotten some sleep, I haven't had any unexpected visitors lately, and things seem to be going okay. I'm never going to be able to ditch the cane, but I think I'm okay with that.

_Good to hear. Has it helped enough that you will continue PT at work when there's no one forcing you to go?_

No one forcing me? Have you not met Doctors Lisa Cuddy and James Wilson? If I don't keep going, they'll drag me by what's left of my hair into the therapy room and import the Evil Child away from you in order to make me keep up with it.

_So in order to keep your dignity, you'll be going on your own accord then, right?_

Yeah, yeah. At least they have a really nice whirlpool in the hospital and I can always hide in there from Cuddy during my clinic hours.

_Like Lisa won't know where to find you at any hour of the day._

_So, no more hallucinations at all?_

None. All quiet on the Western front. Northern, Southern and Eastern fronts too.

_Why do you think you were seeing Amber in your hallucinations? _

Geez, I finally manage to get rid of her and you want to talk about her now? Why don't you just yell "Macbeth" in the nearest theatre?

_Why Amber?_

How many other employees have I fired that died?

_You mean, aside from Kutner?_

I didn't fire him. He killed himself.

Amber was…

Amber was a cutthroat bitch. She was an aggressive manipulative bitch; conniving, with no regard for consequences. She could humiliate someone if it served her purpose.  
She was a female ME.

And James Wilson loved her. He thought she hung the moon and that she could do no evil.

And I had a part in her death…I didn't kill her, but she was on the bus because of me.

When she died…  
When she died, I wanted to die too. I didn't want to see Wilson suffering because of me.

_Talk to me about James Wilson. What is he to you?_

No.

_House. Do we have to go through this every time? _

No.

I mean, no, we don't have to do this every time.

And I mean, NO, I don't want to talk to you about Wilson.

…

I have no choice in this do I?

_No._

Fine.

What is James Wilson to me?

My personal Jiminy Cricket.

He's everything I'm not.  
Kind, considerate, he understands how people think.  
He knows how to empathize with them, feel pain with them, even when it upsets him.

Sometimes he's my sounding board - an interactive white board.  
He thinks so differently than I do, but somehow he's the only one that can direct my thought patterns to where I need them to go.

Sometimes he's my keeper.  
He makes sure I have decent food in my house and has his cleaning women come in to keep my place from overflowing into the hallway.  
He writes prescriptions for me, keeps an eye on me to make sure I'm not getting sick, and even cooks for me to make sure I eat.  
He pays when we go out to eat and even orders dishes for himself that he knows I'll want to steal off of. I'm amazed he hasn't bought me new underwear.

I take that one back. He HAS bought me new underwear…

Sometimes he's my best friend.  
It didn't matter how angry he was with me, how distraught he was over the loss of Amber, he put it all aside to make me go to my Dad's funeral.  
He's always been there for me, even when that meant NOT being there for me.

He's my enabler and my accomplice.  
He gives me the pills that I demand, even when he knows I take too many.  
He humours me and lets me play my mind games.  
He indulges me when I hide from Cuddy and is thrilled when I drag him along for the ride.

Sometimes he's my greatest foe.  
I know that he was interested in Cuddy.  
If he hadn't fallen in love with Amber, I think he would have fallen for her. He's waaay to nice and decent for her though – she would have chewed him up and spit him out and he would have faded away to nothing.  
He's always there to be my conscience; wanting to make sure I "do the right thing." God, it's so annoying.

Sometimes he's my little brother – someone I want to protect from the big scary world.  
Someone I want to shelter and keep safe from all the things out there that I know will hurt him.  
But also someone I want to torment and tease simply because I can. It's a big brother's right to pick on his little brother.

Sometimes he's my big brother – trying to protect me from myself.

He's the one I go to for advice, the one who can get me back on track when I'm derailed.  
He's the one who went to Tritter and made a deal to save me; a deal I was too stubborn to take.

Wilson is the one person who can get away with tormenting me the way only a brother can.

_Is that all he is to you?  
There's nothing else you feel for him?_

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

I don't know.

We are what we are and things aren't going to change.

_It's fun having these conversations with you sometimes Greg.  
You think that you are so sure and right in your thinking but when someone challenges you to rethink your position, you have hesitations.  
What else do you feel for James Wilson?_

He's my conscience.

He's the person I count on to make sure I do the right thing.

He's the one I want to tell first when I do something right, when I solve the unsolvable.

He's the one I turn to when I screw something up and need reassurance.

He's always there when I need him. Even when he tried to end our friendship and leave me, he was still there when I really needed him.

_Let's try this another way, Greg. What are YOU to James Wilson?_

I'm a pain in the ass, a thorn in his side.  
A canker sore he can't seem to get rid of.  
I'm his abuser.

He needs to be needed and I fill that need for him.

_And?_

And what?

_What else is he you to you?_

Do I have to say it out loud?

I've been fascinated by Wilson since the day I met him. He never ceases to amaze me. He is never boring, even when he is pontificating away at me.

He is everything to me, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me.

_Tell me more abut your history together Greg.  
Have you ever… taken your "friendship" to "the next level"?_

What?

No. Not like that.

No.

I mean, we did live together for a while, twice actually.  
After my infarction, after Stacy left, Wilson came to take care of me.  
He left his wife, temporarily, to live with me for 2 months while I figured out how to walk again, how to create a "new" life.

It was…not unpleasant.

For a good portion of that time, he stayed in my room…T  
he lounge chair I had in there wasn't really any good for long term sleeping, so he slept in my bed…with me.

He just needed to be close to me in case I needed more pills or couldn't sleep or had to get up in the middle of the night.  
I missed having Stacy's warmth, the sound of her breathing at night, the feel of someone else just being there.  
After 5 years with her, it was…it was disturbing to not have anyone there.

Once I felt steadier though, he moved out to the couch and then back to his own home. He wanted to give me my "privacy".

I missed having him there with me.

_And the second time?_

Then, when Julie threw him out, he showed up on my doorstop like Felix Unger. I had to take him in; he just looked so pathetic.

He chose to stay on the couch. He could have slept in my bed anytime he wanted; he knew that, but he didn't want to cross that line. He was mourning his loss of Julie.

I don't know what happened, what I did, but he decided he had to move out to a hotel. Maybe that's why I stole his prescription pad. Revenge for his leaving me.

Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do…

_How did things change after James moved to the hotel?_

WILSON was…distant. A bit. Things changed a bit, but it was more about Tritter and the things I had done and the things I refused to acknowledge I had done.

Then he met Amber. I should have never let her stay. I knew he'd fall for her.

I think he enjoyed watching us battle it out over him, arguing about who got to have him and when.

It made him feel wanted in a way none of his wives had ever made him feel. None of them wanted him enough to go head to head with me.

_Tell me about after Amber.  
How did James react?_

Don't want to.

(Laughs)

I had to try, didn't I?

I guess I didn't realize just how much Wilson was in love with her.  
Not just that he loved her, he really was in love with her.  
Seeing that, I would have done anything to save her.  
I risked my life for her.  
I would have died to save her if it would have kept Jimmy from losing her.

It didn't make any difference.

He was…

He was devastated. And there was nothing I could do to make it better for him.

I made things worse. I didn't understand.

There's no one in the world I could lose that would make me feel worse.

He doubted everything we had, every thing we had been to each other. He questioned whether we had ever really been friends.

He tried to leave me. He tried to leave everything.  
If my dad hadn't died…

Ironic, huh?

It took my father, the man I resented my entire life, dying to bring Jimmy back to me.

_Now that he's back, and has been supporting you, standing by you as it were, what are you going to do?_

Nothing.

I can't risk losing him. I can't push this anymore.

_So your solution is to do nothing._

No good?

Right now, I just want to get back to where we were before.

I want him to know that he can count on me, at least to be snarky to him and hold him in contempt and lash out at him.

It's how we function.

_How about just talking with James? _

_Letting him know that you do care about his feelings?_

_I'm not talking about schmaltzy, touchy feely kind of talk. Just being there for him._

I don't know if I can do that.

You want me to be nice to Cuddy.  
Be nice to Rachel.

Be nice to Wilson.  
Next you're going to want me to treat my Fellows like they're people to.

_Well…_

Oh enough already!  
I GET it.

I need to tell that the people who, for some unfathomable reason, stay in my life that they are important to me.  
I can't promise anything, but I'll try.

But it will be in my own way.

I am who I am.

I'm not the nicest guy around. I'm an ass. I'm a bastard.

Can I go now?

_Yes. Go. Enjoy being bastard.__I'm glad you seem to be doing so much better.  
See you by the end of the week._

-------

**Author's Note 2:** Theatre superstition says "Macbeth" is cursed, so many actors and directors are unwilling to mention the play by name when they are in a theater because they fear that something dire will occur. It was hard enough to convince myself that typing the name of the Scottish play while sitting in my office wouldn't jinx our performance tonight. _Merde! _(In addition to being French for, "shit", "Merde" is a term used by ballet dancers before they go on stage; the equivalent to "break a leg" in theatre.)

**Author's note 3:** Woohoo - 2 chaps in one week! Gotta get the next one up soon too!


	14. Wilson’s Fourteen Points

**Title:** Wilson's Fourteen Points ***  
Rating:** PG13**  
Summary:** Ongoing counseling at Mayfield**  
Words:** about 1500**  
Disclaimer:** Mine Mine Mine. Or not.**  
Beta:** Semi-beta'd by Belladionne. All mistakes are mine and mine alone.**  
Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 5.**  
Feedback:** I like it, I love it, I want some more of it…**  
Author's note 1:** 1 I knew where I wanted this to go before I saw "Broken" and "Epic Fail" but the real world completely took over my life and I didn't get a chance to write it out. Interesting to see that I had similar thoughts about his return to PPTH and what it might mean. I tried not to let the new episodes cloud my own little happy fandom world.**  
Author's note 2: **My apologies to all for taking so long with this last chapter. The Real World has overtaken me and beaten me down into the depths of my "to do" list. Now I remember why I hate taking time off from work! Anyway, I'm almost finished with my list from 2 weeks ago and only have a week's worth of work to catch up on in the next 2 days!

**Music:** _I Wanna be Sedated _ - The Ramones_  
Send Me On My Way_ – Rusted Root

__________

I'm NOT going back there.

_Well, good to see you too House. _

I mean it. I can't go back to Princeton-Plainsboro.

It was ridiculous to think that I'd be allowed back in after everything that's happened.

_Did something happen House? Did something change? Were you fired? Or are you simply running away from something you don't want to deal with?_

I'm not trying to run away. I just can't go back there.  
There's jut no reason to go back.

No one ever wanted me there to begin with and I've caused nothing but trouble since I started.

_What makes you think that Greg?_

Wilson won't want anything to do with me. He's too afraid I'll die and he'll be abandoned.  
He can't take losing the people he cares about.

Cuddy sure as hell won't want me back there. I've embarrassed her too many times.  
This will have been the last straw for her. She won't fight for me anymore.

A_re you sure that's the only reason you don't want to go back Greg, you think they don't want you there?_

Yeah.

No.

I'm…. They… It's….

Ah, Hell. What if it's the same? What if nothing's changed?  
What if everything has been going just fine without me?  
What if they don't need me?  
What if I need them more than they need me?

_Anything else?_

They'll treat me differently.  
They know I'm nuts. They …. They'll pity me. Keep asking me if I'm "okay".

They'll be watching to make sure I'm not about to stand on the balcony and mow them all down.

_I thought you LIKED when you made people nervous; made them keep a wide berth._

I want them to do that because they're intimidated by my brain and knowledge, not because they think I'm crazy.

_They're your friends. Do you really think they are going to treat you differently?_

…

What if everything is the same?

They'll still think I'm using drugs…they think I'm a miserable jerk who can't function outside his own mind.

Cuddy'll keep flirting with me but won't  
come through.  
She'll dog me about doing clinic hours. I know we've managed to talk a bit about what happened, but …  
It's just not worth the aggravation anymore.

Wilson'll enable me. He'll keep hounding and watching me until I go …well …crazy.  
He'll indulge me too much and go out of his way to try to make me feel like he's not waiting for the other shoe to fall.  
He'll try to protect me from myself but I'm afraid it will just push me back to my old routines. But he'll also want to help me and keep me from being in pain.

The stress and pressure of having to make a diagnosis on nothing but gut instinct… I don't know if I can do it anymore.

_Greg, I can see where you think PPTH may not be the "healthiest" option for you right now, so what would you do instead?_

Maybe Dana Miller has a cooking class she can recommend?

_Yeah, I understand that worked out well for her…_

(Grins)  
I could consult.

Research. You yourself suggested I go into research – no patients, no pressure.  
It's boring, but at least I won't have to deal with anyone's pity.

_There are times, House, that I wonder about you, what you really want and what you need._

_You seem to ha  
ve gotten an outcome that gives you the life you've been trying to create:  
__No Clinic hours.__No contact with your patients.__  
No contact with others except at your choosing.__Limited hours at the hospital.  
Everyone taking it "easy" on you and limiting their demands on you._

_I'm concerned that while you may be getting what you want, you are going to discover it's not what you need._

_You're a man dying of thirst because you're too ashamed to ask someone to turn on the water._

…

_How would you describe yourself? Give me just a one sentence to say who you are._

Easy.

A miserable crippled psychotic bastard that doesn't need anyone.

_You always choose to describe yourself in the most self-deprecating manner.  
Why?_

(Glare)

_Do you really see yourself that way or is it just easier to reject people before they reject you?_

…

_Greg, I'd like you to think of yourself as something other than a cripple. _

_Your bum leg is only a small part of you and yet, you have let it define who you are. _

_  
I know you think that you can't do the things you used to enjoy and I'm rather surprised about that.  
You are an educated man and you know that there are all sorts of ways that sports can be adapted to make it possible for you to continue to play. _

_Golf and tennis are still options for you.  
Maybe you can't run, but you certainly could look into using a wheelchair and race in that.  
And you've done well shooting hoops on the grounds.  
No wild smashup games, but an easy pickup game is a possibility._

_Once you allowed yourself to try the motorcycle, you found that you could maneuver it and ride with little adjustment.  
You even found a freedom that you were missing and allowed yourself to actually enjoy yourself._

_Sports are just the same. I  
f you want to do it, you will find a way.  
You just have to put in the effort Greg._

I don't want to look like a freak.

_(Grins).  
Greg, sometimes you absolutely astound me._

_  
You have no problem bullying someone into doing what you think is right but you have the amazing ability to deny yourself the option of doing something that you know you should do, simply because you're afraid someone might see a human part of you._

_So what if you look a little awkward trying to learn how to adjust to your disability?  
Who cares?  
If you really are that self-conscious then go somewhere out of town and try something new.  
I can set you up at a couple of different places that will help you learn some new skills and ways to actually enjoy yourself and regain some of the things you think you lost after the infarction. _

_You've been swimming while you've been here and shooting hoops, both beneficial to you on several levels.  
Give this a try too.  
Good God man, you're a Doctor – you have to go golfing at least!_

(Grins)  
I suppose I did take an oath that said I'd play golf every Weds…

All right.

Fine.

But I don't want Wilson to see me be a screw-up.  
Is there somewhere near here I can learn how to "adapt" my game before I take him out on the Greens?

_I'll set something.  
I have a friend who you should play with.  
You'll enjoy it and shouldn't take you long to learn how to adapt your game and beat Wilson again._

_As to returning to PPTH – that's you're choice.  
If you feel that you can't work on staying healthy while working there, then you need to make some decisions about what to do about a job._

_You've let Wilson know that you are coming home, right?  
You're not just going to show up on his doorstep on Saturday and scare the daylights out of him, are you?_

What, me? I'd NEVER do that…

_Take it easy on him Greg.  
He's had a rough summer too. _

_I want us to continue to meet at least once a week, and you can always call if you need to talk but can't come out here. _

_Good luck House._

___________________________________  
_

*** Author's note 3:** Okay, so _Wilson's 14 Points_ were about bringing peace to the world with the surrender of Germany at the end of the Great War, but if you squint, you can see how it works for a Chapter title in this series – ya know, peace, surrender, self-determination. Hey, c'mon – at least it didn't involve 13 + Foreman!

**Author's note 4: Thanks all for reading and for your reviews! I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Author's note 5: **Last one, I swear! There are a few things I didn't couldn't include, but I wanted to share one mental picture with you:  
Greg House on a Segway racing away from the Clinic and Cuddy!!


End file.
